So, after I wrote you last week, ish went down. Thank goodness I am in a good mood right now to tell the tale. I was feeling dizzy in the morning and looked in our little health manual thing and it said to lie down. I told my companion this (briefly, because I was scared of her judgement). I start to cry because I literally cannot help it--and you know I don't do that in public.
Let me tell you, I was blessed to deal with that situation. Blessed. I'm kind of doing a Sherlock Holmes thing (the movie edition) where I'm thinking on about four to five levels at once. 1. I'm listening to her, on face value. 2. I'm trying to figure how to appropriately respond to her. 3. I'm analyzing what she's saying and trying to evaluate if any of it is worth anything (as in, do I really need to change?) 4. I'm praying. praying desperately.
Somehow, I am able to say things in a really humble kind of way (or something) that allows us to "resolve" the issue, aka she goes away seeming satisfied. And I'm still stuck in a very very weird place in my mind and torn in a million different directions, but I think at the same time, blessed with peace directly from Heavenly Father so I don't freak out.
The Assistants to the President (APs) slash Zone leaders (the roles here are different, obviously, by necessity) knew something went down and were showing a lot of concern to me. I was able to talk with both of them privately, and they expressed great, knowing concern for me and just said the sweetest things for me. My obedience is between the Lord and I. My personality and how I portray it, is between the Lord and I.
I have to say, I've been trying to grow my testimony of Jesus Christ recently. And not just the Atonement, because I oddly actually have more of a testimony of that than of Jesus Christ the person. But I've been reading the Book of Mormon, specifically looking for the Christ parts and it's been so great and spiritual. But I never expected my testimony to grow so strongly of Christ the person through the behaviors of Sister Ripplinger and Sister Zibetti towards me. Of course, I've been the reciprocant of Christlike behavior my whole life. But I think I was blessed to actuallyfeel, through their treatment of me, as if they actually were the Savior Himself.
I have realized (although I do not constantly appreciate/feel in my moment to moment leaving) that I have been able to be seriously blessed in some very important ways that will help in my past mission life. For example, I really am no longer super concerned that we kind of just sit around all day. I love personal study. I feel like I'm finally the person I used to be before I burned out in school (which was a huge issue for me and which has been going on for a while). I don't get tired in my personal reading. Everything ignites my interest (like it used to). I get to read the books (sometimes academic) which they have at the sites about the people. I got to read an academic article the other day! On my mission!! I also read a few pages into this book about Brigham Young. Turns out we're pretty much kindred spirits. Like, so far, from what I can tell, he's a boss and I love him. So much more than I thought before, to be honest. Let me quote you something he said. It's like me in a nutshell.
"I recollect my father urged me [to sign the temperance pledge]. 'No sir,' said I, 'if I sign the temperance pledge I feel that I am bound, and I wish to do just right, without being bound to do it: I want my liberty'; and I have conceived from my youth up that I could have my liberty and independence just as much in doing right as I could in doing wrong." He's SO cool!!
I guess at this point you could say that my best friends in life are Jesus, my journal, and Brigham Young. Yeah, I'm now one of those people that say that Jesus is their best friend. I guess it took me being all alone and realizing that He/Heavenly Father/the Holy Ghost are the only ones I can trust. I can't even always trust my own mind now because it's being turned on me by twisted words and logic. I mean, that was dramatic. I do trust it. But sometimes, when I question myself and whether I really am trying enough and what not, I really just have to trust that whatever I lack (or don't lack, or don't know whether I'm lacking or not) will be made up for because of the Atonement, and I just have to try my best, my best as I see it.
Which brings me to another thing I've gained a huge testimony of, which is patriarchal blessings. I was feeling very confused this week (at times, not continuously) about whether I need to change who I am and I was thinking of all the times people have complimented or questioned my personality as evidence for/against me. I was really hoping for a letter or comment from someone maybe validating who I am or saying something about me when I just thought, very strongly (and I'm sure very spiritually prompted), "Go read your partriarchal blessing right now." Wow, what do you know. I actually do have a letter of sorts, from God, to me. I think that's a pretty good source.
and the things that I just used to see as a given in it, things such as "You are blessed with an ability to speak kindly" actually are like the most precious things I've ever been told. Yes, I have to work on being tactful or sweet or whatever the issue may be. Just as we all do. But that's kind of a me thing to decide. Other people may not like who I am and be offended by things I say, but not everyone can like everyone. And ironically, my companion and I are at a literal personality standstill. To say we don't jibe well together is an understatement. She does not listen to anything I say, and when she does, it goes right through her. It's a weird phenomenon. Also part of the mind game thing (that I know she doesn't intentionally do).
The point is, I am having a hard time but I am also being very blessed and every once in a while I am able to get out of my feeling trapped/controlled mindset and am able to see a bright spot.
Colin: WHAT THE WHATTTTTTTTT?? I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW??? REALITY HAS NOT SET, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I AM LIKE THE PROUDEST SISTER EVER!! (also when Holly got that position on BYUSSR, of course)
K, love you guys.
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