What happens between you and your companion...

Hey family,

So, after I wrote you last week, ish went down.  Thank goodness I am in a good mood right now to tell the tale. I was feeling dizzy in the morning and looked in our little health manual thing and it said to lie down.  I told my companion this (briefly, because I was scared of her judgement).  I start to cry because I literally cannot help it--and you know I don't do that in public.  

Let me tell you, I was blessed to deal with that situation. Blessed.  I'm kind of doing a Sherlock Holmes thing (the movie edition) where I'm thinking on about four to five levels at once.  1. I'm listening to her, on face value. 2. I'm trying to figure how to appropriately respond to her. 3. I'm analyzing what she's saying and trying to evaluate if any of it is worth anything (as in, do I really need to change?) 4. I'm praying. praying desperately.

Somehow, I am able to say things in a really humble kind of way (or something) that allows us to "resolve" the issue, aka she goes away seeming satisfied.  And I'm still stuck in a very very weird place in my mind and torn in a million different directions, but I think at the same time, blessed with peace directly from Heavenly Father so I don't freak out. 

The Assistants to the President (APs) slash Zone leaders (the roles here are different, obviously, by necessity) knew something went down and were showing a lot of concern to me.  I was able to talk with both of them privately, and they expressed great, knowing concern for me and just said the sweetest things for me.  My obedience is between the Lord and I.  My personality and how I portray it, is between the Lord and I.  

I have to say, I've been trying to grow my testimony of Jesus Christ recently.  And not just the Atonement, because I oddly actually have more of a testimony of that than of Jesus Christ the person. But I've been reading the Book of Mormon, specifically looking for the Christ parts and it's been so great and spiritual.  But I never expected my testimony to grow so strongly of Christ the person through the behaviors of Sister Ripplinger and Sister Zibetti towards me.  Of course, I've been the reciprocant of Christlike behavior my whole life.  But I think I was blessed to actuallyfeel, through their treatment of me, as if they actually were the Savior Himself.  

I have realized (although I do not constantly appreciate/feel in my moment to moment leaving) that I have been able to be seriously blessed in some very important ways that will help in my past mission life.  For example, I really am no longer super concerned that we kind of just sit around all day.  I love personal study.  I feel like I'm finally the person I used to be before I burned out in school (which was a huge issue for me and which has been going on for a while).  I don't get tired in my personal reading.  Everything ignites my interest (like it used to).  I get to read the books (sometimes academic) which they have at the sites about the people.  I got to read an academic article the other day! On my mission!!  I also read a few pages into this book about Brigham Young.  Turns out we're pretty much kindred spirits. Like, so far, from what I can tell, he's a boss and I love him.  So much more than I thought before, to be honest.  Let me quote you something he said. It's like me in a nutshell.

"I recollect my father urged me [to sign the temperance pledge].  'No sir,' said I, 'if I sign the temperance pledge I feel that I am bound, and I wish to do just right, without being bound to do it: I want my liberty'; and I have conceived from my youth up that I could have my liberty and independence just as much in doing right as I could in doing wrong."  He's SO cool!!  

I guess at this point you could say that my best friends in life are Jesus, my journal, and Brigham Young. Yeah, I'm now one of those people that say that Jesus is their best friend.  I guess it took me being all alone and realizing that He/Heavenly Father/the Holy Ghost are the only ones I can trust.  I can't even always trust my own mind now because it's being turned on me by twisted words and logic.  I mean, that was dramatic.  I do trust it.  But sometimes, when I question myself and whether I really am trying enough and what not, I really just have to trust that whatever I lack (or don't lack, or don't know whether I'm lacking or not) will be made up for because of the Atonement, and I just have to try my best, my best as I see it.  

Which brings me to another thing I've gained a huge testimony of, which is patriarchal blessings.  I was feeling very confused this week (at times, not continuously) about whether I need to change who I am and I was thinking of all the times people have complimented or questioned my personality as evidence for/against me.  I was really hoping for a letter or comment from someone maybe validating who I am or saying something about me when I just thought, very strongly (and I'm sure very spiritually prompted), "Go read your partriarchal blessing right now."  Wow, what do you know.  I actually do have a letter of sorts, from God, to me.  I think that's a pretty good source.  

and the things that I just used to see as a given in it, things such as "You are blessed with an ability to speak kindly" actually are like the most precious things I've ever been told. Yes, I have to work on being tactful or sweet or whatever the issue may be.  Just as we all do.  But that's kind of a me thing to decide.  Other people may not like who I am and be offended by things I say, but not everyone can like everyone.  And ironically, my companion and I are at a literal personality standstill.  To say we don't jibe well together is an understatement.  She does not listen to anything I say, and when she does, it goes right through her.  It's a weird phenomenon.  Also part of the mind game thing (that I know she doesn't intentionally do).

The point is, I am having a hard time but I am also being very blessed and every once in a while I am able to get out of my feeling trapped/controlled mindset and am able to see a bright spot.  

Colin: WHAT THE WHATTTTTTTTT?? I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE!!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???  REALITY HAS NOT SET, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I AM LIKE THE PROUDEST SISTER EVER!!  (also when Holly got that position on BYUSSR, of course)

K, love you guys. 

Just talking myself out of some valleys, reaching some peaks

Hey family,

My first week in Nauvoo. . . it's definitely been a peaks and valleys kind of week.  

This week has been a lot of doing not very much.  My companion and I have had a 9-5 shift in the different historic houses each day with about 4 people or groups of people coming in for the whole day.  So it's a lot of sitting around and losing and trying to regain motivation.  

My companion Sister Petricek is very very interesting. I have never met anyone like her before.  She has a strong personality and she's told me how she's grown on her mission.  She used to lose her temper a lot, she is trying to learn how not to judge people, she's had an interesting life.  She is quite a story teller and the seniors love her but she kind of leaves no room for anyone else to really talk.  She lives in a world much much different than mine. Kind of like those people you see on facebook and you're like, ok, I know we've shared life circumstances before but how are you getting to the conclusions that you are getting to?  She is trying really hard to make sure I'm comfortable though and that she isn't bossy. And she likes me tons.  She says I'm the first companion that hasn't annoyed her/gotten on her last nerve (besides one other). 

So things there could be better but they could be worse.  Sometimes it feels like we go to two different churches.  In fact, I've been feeling lately that in being on a mission, I've somehow joined some weird offshoot of the church.  How did I get here?  I wanted to spread the gospel of that other church, not the one that is really weird about rules.  And I knew the rules before.  Anyways, I'm working on feeling normal and luckily I feel the Spirit enough on my own.  I'm just trying to find the motivation I had before to actually be here despite the hard things that come with a mission.  

Anyways though, I share a room in the basement with Sister Hayley Newell and her companion Sister Gardner.  Luckily Sister P and Sister Gardner are way good friends (and I like Sister Gardner, so that's good, and she's nice to me) and I love Sister Newell.  She's hands down one of the best people I know. She is one of the best listeners I've ever met.  She thinks everything I have to say is interesting. I don't even know exactly how she does it, but I realized that I've been better able to truly understand Christ through her.  We always talk at night--you know, like girls do--and I didn't realize it at first, but every time after I talk with her I feel happy, uplifted, full of the spirit of love and gratitude. I feelings that I try to get all day and work hard at on my own, and then without even trying, she somehow allows me to be excited for life again.  She's just like the purest, most non-judgmental person I've ever dealt with who also strives to understand me and those around her and thinks differences are interesting and impressive. PS when I say stuff like "person I've ever known" family is obviously excluded out of this.  

The other girls in the house are really great too. I wouldn't mind being companions with most of them.  Things are really slow right now and we are training, so we are with our companions a lot (and doing nothing, in a scheduled manner) but I have been told that things get crazy around here, and the young performing missionaries arrive in a few weeks and shows start to happen so I won't always be with my companion--only during companion study, I guess. And night time, maybe.  So honestly things are good.  I am perfectly fine.  I just don't feel satisfied, I guess.  Or motivated for a greater cause with a greater purpose.  But once I start actually interacting with people it will be ok.  

And I think maybe I was missing the boat in some ways by not being around girls because girls love me.  They think I'm funny, they think I'm way pretty and stylish, they love my personality.  Boys are nice and they like me too, but they don't really say it, and I figure I'm just a tolerable person to hang around that can converse with them easily.  Girls say it all the time.  

Again, it's peaks and valleys.  I even now just talked myself out of a valley in this email, as you can tell.  I have been learning how to pray a lot and rely on Heavenly Father to help me self-motivate. And to figure things out and not reach the depths of despair in my mental workings.  And as I get more used to being here, I will figure out how to control/understand my emotions more and and take things on a more realistic scale.  

Mom: Thank you so much for the emails.  You can email me but I also have more time for letters, so I'd appreciate the bulk of stuff to be in letter form.  I read somewhere that you can fax, so maybe that would be extremely convenient.  I have to pay 10 cents a page, but it's worth it.  Maybe you can call the Mission secretary and ask her about it.  I will ask today too, but I won't be able to email you until next week about that.  

Holly: You should be getting good at editing and such - aren't you like the propaganda chair on BYUSA?  (Actually, I forget what position you are in, so let me know.) 

Family: I didn't get any letters from you yet (besides your email, Mom and Colin) so Holly, I don't know if you sent something to me, but you may want to try the fax thing too.  I will respond to it later. I can only write letters on P-day, so just so you know.  But I can read letters anytime. So maybe if you sent something to me in the mail, I could read it and think about it as I write you back, versus trying to remember from the email. The letter writing thing will take some forethought because I would like to get them by my p-day so I can write you back on that day, so maybe send it by friday or Saturday. Maybe Monday. 

Colin: I will write you a real letter, but YAY!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU AND IMPRESSED ABOUT THE ASB THING (even though we don't know if you won, or whatever, not that winning is necessary). What family am I living in? I feel like I am easily the least successful person. Definitely the least productive.  

Ok, love you all.  This is all I can think of to say.  

Love, Rachel

Pump that propaganda in another man's veins

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for the Easter package mum! I got it on Saturday afternoon after I had already emailed you/sent letters. And thank you Emma and Kristen also!  You guys are the best :) 

Our Elders left this week so now we've been transitioning into Visitor's Center (VC) training with just us girls. Funsies.  I do miss the male-female dynamic.  BUT I have been enjoying the girls in my room even more.  On Easter we had Sacrament meeting in the big devotional room/gym.  Have you ever been in a meeting where the Sacrament was passed to 3000 missionaries? It's kind of a big deal.  

Sheri Dew was our Sunday night devotional and it was the best! And not just because it's Sheri Dew.  I'm starting to get more and more annoyed at people putting stock in someone's church ranking/celebrity.  It's not a thing.  I've heard just as good devotionals from BYU professors as any random general authority. 

The MTC is a weird place.  I really isn't as awful as everyone makes it out to be.  And yet I need to get the freak out of here.  The testimony building experiences come fast and furious.  Our branch president said on our first day here to prepare for our testimony to grow as much in five days as it has in the last 10 years.  I feel like I've grown my testimony a lot in the last 10 years, so I don't know if that's the most accurate way to phrase that.  Plus once you have a foundational testimony, the growth of it is largely just gaining a deeper understanding of what you already know, or supposedly thought you knew.  But I have really gained some important understandings, so honestly it's been totally worth it.  Sometimes you just need to be forced to come face to face with what you actually believe in order to grow and understand more.  

We went to Temple Square on Wednesday and we are going again today, right after this.  It was a weirdly good experience and I will tell you why.  The sisters who were touring us were these cute foreign sisters, so sincere in their efforts, trying to get us to grow our testimonies.  But it wasn't my style at all.  I hate those kinds of questions.  "Why do you feel it is important to go to church?"  "What are you feeling right now?"  Cynicism, that's what.  This movie about families? I see what you're doing here, with the music and the tear jerking scenes and the carefully worded "natural family" dialogue.  I was feeling very skeptical and out of place, seeing as others were talking about how much they felt the Spirit during xyz.  You know what? Maybe I did feel the spirit, in spite of all of their obvious efforts to make me feel so. But teen/present day Rachel is turned off by those leading questions.  

SO of course during this I'm feeling very cynical and trying not to feel bad about my inherent cynicism.  In these situations, I'm really not being negative, it's just how I see things. I literally can't not see the rhetorical strategies. And as I'm sitting there while this man is talking all about how wonderful it is to be a VC sister and aren't we more excited now that we've seen our job in action? (No, I knew what I was getting into from the start. I knew why I was less than thrilled at my call from the beginning) I really felt this very wonderful feeling of assurance that I am going to be not only fine but exactly what is needed just the way I am.  I've kind of known that all along but it was definitely Heavenly Father talking to me. As I've been here in the MTC, I've learned much more about how to be in tune with how the Spirit already works within me and I can tell so much more now when God is talking to me. It really just took a few mental breakthroughs and realizations.  

The funny/great thing too is that I was explaining all my real-talk feelings to Sis. Madi Holt about our experience and how I wasn't overly thrilled with the actual presentations given by the VC sisters and she is totally the same.  We think different things but our feelings are the same.  She has been a really great companion. And things have just gotten better over time.  I've been open with her about all of my real feelings (which are very real and not sweet, per se) from the beginning and she has been right there with me. And we have so much fun together, too.  We laugh a lot, which is nice.  

I've learned here a lot that when I ask my real questions other people really do feel the same way, even if they didn't realize it and then when we try to answer those questions we all grow in understanding.  "Why do we need to get baptized?"  "What if we are doing all we can and still don't feel like we've really gotten a testimony of it?"  I ask all sorts of scandalous-for-the-MTC questions that make me seem apostate and I've really been able to connect with the girls, my teachers, and most importantly Heavenly Father, as he helps me see it's ok to be me and it's ok to not know.  I've never been more happy to be myself, and especially in a situation where it is becomes apparent very quickly.

Did you know being a VC sister you get to go on chat and answer people's questions on mormon.org? And everyone can use it, members, less actives, nonmembers, etc. and ask about pretty much anything. Yeah, we're going to try and bring you closer to Christ while answering your question, but it's a useful tool for any random thing.  We also answer people's emails.  We are just getting started learning about this so I haven't actually done much of it yet.  But it's a lot easier in some ways to describe church-y things in complete ideas on a computer than in my own trail off-y sentences.  And my computer addiction is satisfied. Plus we get to watch Mormon messages and explore church websites while we wait for people to come on chat.  Aww yeeah. 

Ok, love you guys.  I've got more to say I'm sure, but whatever.  I'm leaving Wednesday morning.  I may try and call home earlyish in the morning, I don't really know when we'll get the opportunity.  If I don't catch anyone, oh well.  It's really not a huge deal, I don't even know what I have to say.  Sorry I'm struggling responding to letters and not only talking about myself but about what you've written me also (Holly).  I'm really trying and I really appreciate the letters.  I think I just talk to you in my head and forget that you haven't actually heard it.  We're supposed to be telepathic Holly, what's the deal?

Love you all (dur),  Rachel

p.s. Here are some pictures!

Me and Sister Holt

Us and some of the Elders!

Me and Victor! (Elder Favero)

Meanwhile in the MTC...

Hey family!

Another event/non-event filled week here at the MTC!  I keep trying to write letters but a) I don't have enough time and b)I'll start writing one, look back a day later and realize how irrelevant what I was saying was.

It's been a hard adjustment, but I feel like my emotions have finally evened out and now I'm not in such a weird, emotionally volatile place. My relationship with Sister Holt continues to get better as we continue to get more real with each other.  Girls often do this funny thing where they're overly polite in the beginning and don't show lots of parts of their real personality because they're aren't sure how it will be taken (add that to the fact that we're supposed to be these righteous sister missionaries, or something) but I think our apartment/dorm (with the six of us) is getting over that and just starting to enjoy each other in a real way more. 

We've had multiple "investigator" experiences so far here.  We have Scott, who is our teacher Brother Craft pretending to be someone else and helping us learn different things. That has been frustrating but admittedly also helpful.  Scott never really has anything to say and he always just wants to be better and feel the Spirit but is never sure if he really is.  Combine that with the fact that he doesn't talk about how and he feels and we (Sis. Holt and I) struggle.

We have also met with Sara(h?) twice this week and that was really more of what I was expecting out of an investigator as far as difficulty and real-ness is concerned.   She had so many questions and it's hard to actually teach something while trying to address specific concerns and not get too complicated.  I knew that would be one of my problems all along.  We totally thought she was a member who was acting but then after our second meeting she was like, "Oh can I redo your make up? I think you would look better with brown eye liner" or something along those lines and we were just talking and she's not a member at all.  She's held a firm stance with her Greek orthodox in laws that she's not religious, but she comes and volunteers at the MTC "for my own reasons" and I don't blame her.  Even when the missionaries botch it (as I'm sure we always do) the Spirit can be way strong.  In fact, I was telling her about Jesus Christ and how he atoned for our sorrows as well and she started crying a little.  I feel like this story is not being explained in the way I would like it to be, because it was pretty legit and real.  Sarah even gave me her own clinique eye liner afterwards, and Sister Holt shared a really intense personal story about how her family used the Atonement in real life and it still puts me in awe. 

It's weird how I feel like I've lived a million lifetimes here.  And the fact that I've learned things that I had no idea I would learn.  I always thought "teaching with the Spirit" meant that you knew what you were going to say, prayed about it, and lived righteously and then if you needed to say other things, you would.  Psych!  It's actually a great deal trickier and not so vague seeming.  It's all about hardcore focusing on exactly what the investigator is saying in that moment while at the same time keeping in mind your goal for them, or where you see them going spiritually and how you can help them to get there themself (which is dang hard).  I mean, you can know all the gospel lessons and be a way spiritual and still be extremely ineffective. It's obvious to me now, but I really didn't think we'd be learning the deep psychology behind trying to get an investigator to exercise faith while with you and without you, and be able to experience things on their own.  No wonder people feel like inadequate missionaries.  The psychology behind the teaching method is totally play-by-ear but is also extremely important in the planning phase as well.  It feels like a lot of responsibility.  

BUT honestly there is so much power in being a missionary.  And I can feel it.  I can totally see how it's going to suck to not be one anymore.  As weird as it is to be called Sister Ross, I love the name tag.  I love the power that comes with being a representative of Jesus Christ.  The responsibility is a lot of pressure but I really do feel the power in my bones.  The Spirit that comes with teaching is mind blowing.  Even when we practice with each other just "pretending" we've all been amazed at times.  And it's also very powerful to me that we feel so connected to those friends or relatives of ours with real life concerns that we pretend to be in teaching that we are moved to tears just feeling the Spirit tell us that their concerns can be resolved.  

I'm disappointed with this email.  There's too much for me to say and I don't have the right way to say it.  #storyofmymissionarylife

Oh well, by 18 months I'm sure I can communicate something effectively.

Pictures to come, hopefully!

Love,

Sister Rachel Ross

PS the song Ai Se Achu (?) Pego is constantly in my head.  Can someone write me the lyrics so I can actually have it right?

PPS The elders in my class/district are leaving on Tuesday to their mission in Montana! :'(  And then we start our visitor's center training and also I get a call home at the airport.  That will be on not this Wednesday but the next.