I told you I'd be back. And I am. Back.

Hello Family!!!

I am so happy to be in Nauvoo. Honestly, there were a few days there in Little Rock where I was so sad to be leaving. And when we pulled away from the church building for the last time and left the apartment, I felt like I was leaving home. But then when we came back to Nauvoo, I felt super home.  So I guess part of life is making enough bonds with the people/place that you have many homes all over the world. Why is life so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time?

Well, Sister Richardson and I were late to the St. Louis airport because our plane had this technical difficulty thing so when we showed up, it was just us and our new mission president and his wife, President and Sister Gibbons (formerly of the 70). https://www.lds.org/church/leader/larry-w-gibbons  He's even more precious than he looks. And he looks pretty precious. So we got like 5 straight quality hours of time with the Gibbons and it was like the most divine gift ever. First of all, I LOVE them. Sister Gibbons is Sister Secor. MY MISSION PRESIDENT'S WIFE IS PAM SECOR. So you could say I've pretty much won the game. I'm sure there are differences, but they sound and laugh the same. And she's full of spunk. And President Gibbons is gentle and humble and caring. I could just die of happiness. I know he is the right person for me. So much so that I even allowed myself to have a breakdown moment with him in our interview (which I never allow) when he asked me how he could help me be a better missionary. And I thought and I thought. And I realized that I needed to be happier. I mean, that is the point of life, is it not? (There is some Joseph Smith quote to back me up right now). So I had to break down and cry about how really, I should be happier but I just feel this pressure on me--self-imposed--that just kind of kills me a little bit. And he said something to me, something I'm not unfamiliar with, but he said--and he wanted me to write it down--" 75% of life is just showing up."  To be told that by my mission president? Kind of a big deal. It's the thing I've been needing just to let myself be enough for a while now. Because there's so much room for improvement. Such a high standard I can set myself up to. But I have been given permission to just show up. And I always do. What a dear man. And he said some other things and I said some other things. But yeah, that's the gist.

We haven't done too much so far, but I realize just how much of a (good) mental and spiritual effort it is to really try and make connections and boost everyone's happiness here. I definitely have had a few moments of sensory overload with so many sisters being around. So many people to talk to about so many things. And yet it was kind of nice to have that solitary relationship with your one companion that forced you to bond in a very special, even sacred kind of way. So, it's a balancing act to emotionally/spiritually/mentally connect with everyone and yet not spread myself too thin, whilst trying to maintain spiritual solidarity within myself. Many sisters had great outbound experiences. "It was a dream." But as I've talked to many, it freaks me out how similar we are. So many moments of being broken, disappointment, failed expectations, etc. And I'm all good right now. I really feel quite self-actualized in this moment. It took me a while to get here. It was very validating, and even testimony building to be able to see others at different places on the emotional path of where I have been, and to see it's something we all have experienced in our own ways.

So much to analyze.

My new companion is Sister Kupfer, just got out of the MTC. There's only six new girls this year, so that's quite the change. And they're all quieter too. Much more content to just listen. Sister Newell and I were talking and realized something about our generation (what we call "second summer sisters"). We are all the rulers of our own country. We rule it differently. But we aren't the vice presidents, the secretaries. We're the straight up presidents/rulers/queens/dictators. Everyone is extremely powerful in every sense of the word. Spiritually. Mentally. Personality.  It's terrifying. I also realize how much I love them all to death because we're all so dang similar in our issues because of our intensity. But anyways. Sister Kupfer is really sweet. She is a read head from Mesa, which is super weird. That's the third redheaded companion I've had in a row. And Sister Wilkins was from Mesa too. Although they don't know each other. Sister Kupfer actually reminds me a little bit of Kalyn (Walker, of course). She's more of a drama person. As in, performing arts. Likes choir, musicals. Very solid (as in stable, great testimony, obedient, normal). Tall. And she's a little more on the quiet side. (Which Kalyn isn't, so the comparison isn't exact). She is afraid to start talking to people and I couldn't wait, so we differ there, and it's exciting (slash I also feel decently inadequate) to help her gain confidence and have a positive mission experience right off the bat.

Overall, I'm just very happy to be back here and I've kind of rid myself of all expectations for anything (in a good way), and just feel happy to go and do whatever the Lord gives me. Well, I think so, anyway.  I love you! Send me an easter package with Cadbury eggs and Reese's eggs. That's all! No, I'm just kidding. It would be really nice if you could send me an easter package but I don't have any expectations because any kind of package at all feels like a luxury and it's definitely never been an expectation of mine, so yeah.

Love, Rachel