Family!
Transfers were this week, and—wait for it *drumroll*—I am with Sister Streeter! And Sister Newell! There are even numbers so this was quite the dramatic announcement, as there are now two threesomes.
I am so excited for this. This is the most random seeming, and potentially most awesome threesome ever. This transfer is only 3 and a half weeks anyways (because of the scheduling issues) so it’s just going to be a nonstop party.
I am SO happy. I love Sister Garner so dearly and nothing was her fault, but there was something wrong with me last transfer. I really don’t know what it was, but I liken it to the 5th Harry Potter book in which Harry sometimes feels the influence of Voldemort through his scar. Or, to give a different analogy. When Clark has the red kryptonite on Smallville (I think I get props for the Smallville reference, yes?). And it changed overnight with transfers. I could sleep again. I didn’t realize how much my sleep was not real sleep until I actually had a real night’s sleep. And I haven’t laughed as hard as I did in yesterday’s district meeting in a long time. Sister Streeter is so much fun, and Sister Newell of course just adds to the fun. It’s interesting because Sister Streeter is super intense. Super all about being exactly obedient, the best missionary she can be, really pushes herself to be better. But she also is just really fun and funny, so it works very well. And Sister Newell adds a great balance to the group, and we continue to have good conversations. I can say with a surety, for the third time, that companionships are directly from God. It’s so cool to be on a mission and to be able to directly see the sociological and psychological workings of God. And to observe them with the other sisters, too. Quite fascinating. Nothing I could have planned or foreseen but oh so right.
I’ve learned a lot about darkness in this past transfer. For reasons that, as previously stated, I don’t understand, I have been thrown into the depths of darkness and tried to analyze my way out of. While I never quite successfully did so (I don’t know if anyone can quite analyze themselves out of any chemical imbalance—which is what I continually felt it was), I was able to do a lot of thinking and a lot of learning about what either a) caused me to be so low or b)I started to feel because I was so low. I think at the root was low self-esteem. I started to feel. . .inadequate. Which is so not me, as you know. It was so foreign. I think for the first few weeks I was floundering simply because I’ve never had to deal with not having self-esteem before. Oh my goodness, if anything, this weird time in my life has helped me to see how critical it is to properly treat someone who has that kind of issue.
When I started to feel inadequate, I was comparing myself to others (in real time, not just “they are smart like this, and I am smart like that, and I appreciate them! And even if I am not the most righteous and wise, I’m still glad I’m me!” which is my norm). I doubted myself. I didn’t realize that the thing I was doubting was me, and started to doubt God. It was hell to go through. I doubted everything I had ever felt, pretty much, or experienced. The two things I never doubted, however, was my testimony of the Book of Mormon, and of the testimonies of the modern day prophet/apostles. I knew it was illogical to doubt God’s very existence but still know so strongly that others’ beliefs in him were true, but I didn’t know how to describe it, and at the time, I didn’t realize it was self-doubt. Once I figured this out, I was still struggling but a feeling was deeply instilled in me that these feelings would eventually go away, and that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and would answer my prayers, even if I couldn’t even feel him there because I was so far from him because I wouldn’t allow myself to be there.
I now feel so much better. My inner psyche realigned, and my unnatural self-doubt issues are going away. I now see why comparing yourself to others is SO dangerous. Luckily it’s not something I inherently deal with—but it certainly is not something to trifle with. I wish I could have a full analysis ready about this situation, but at the very least, I can say that I know now so strongly that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and will turn whatever I feel and experience into something that will work for my greater good. Certainly, I have felt such great joy in the past week. And you can’t feel the intensity of joy if you haven’t experienced the intensity of pain. Or at least, I would not appreciate it as greatly. And I’ve gone through the hell of doubt and come up on the other side whole, with my testimony fully intact and strong.
I haven’t laughed as hard as I did in yesterday’s district meeting, of all places, in a long time. Sister Streeter is so much fun, and Sister Newell of course just adds to the fun. It’s interesting because Sister Streeter is super intense. Super all about being exactly obedient, the best missionary she can be, really pushes herself to be better. But she also is just really fun and funny, so it works very well. And Sister Newell adds a great balance to the group, and we continue to have good conversations. I can say with a surety for the third time that companionships are directly from God.
On a less intense note, I had some really great experiences this week. The other day, I started talking to this 15 year old kid who is really into basketball and was describing how hard he practices and whatnot. I thought of this Mormon Message (The one with Tyler Haws. Colin, you would be proud http://www.mormonchannel.org/mormon-messages-for-youth?v=1463159448001) that had a lot to do with what he was talking about, so I told him about it but I didn’t have any way to show it to him. Later on I asked him about something else and it turns out he’s not actually a member, despite living in Utah. Well, he goes into the theater to watch a short film and as he comes out I casually rush over to him to get his email. The interesting thing is that he seems to expect this, and is ready to give me both his email and address. It seems like a small, brief interaction but I just knew it was important. I felt myself being led by the Spirit the entire time.
I also felt myself being led by the Spirit in another conversation I had with a 16 year old boy (a reoccurring, coincidental pattern this week/mission). In one minute we are having menial conversation starting chit chat, the next he is telling me all about his life (in a non-weird way), and this poor kid has it hard. There are just a lot of difficult family dynamics, and he tries so hard, but it seems as if there is very little he can do to really make a difference. I said what I could and what the Spirit directed, and I simply hope that in some way I was able to give him hope and strengthen his testimony.
Ok, out of time! I hope this wasn’t a super weird email--I can’t really tell. . .
Love, Sister Ross
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