Sad day, Sisters Zibetti, Streeter, Ripplinger, Brown and Petricek have left. Well, actually Sister Streeter will be leaving-ish on Thursday. So now my only companion is Sister Newell. Sweet deal, eh? Although it's a crying shame that Sister Streeter is leaving on account of she is like my best friend.
Guess who went tracting last week, aka door knocking? This girl! I honestly can't even believe that there are so many people out there willing to do that. I mean, it's intense. I am so impressed that so many 18-21 year olds sign up to do this. I was paired up with Sister Petricek and then Sister Zibetti and we were in Quincy. We knocked on this one door and this mid 20s guy (with a beautiful face although that is irrelevant) answers the door and feels awkward and doesn't know what to do. But we bore testimony to him and gave him a Book of Mormon and I felt the spirit so strongly. I hated that the people who answered the door made me feel like a sales person since I refuse to sell anything. But I can see how the experiences you do have can be so worth it.
Yesterday I had this amazing conversation in the call center. First of all, I thought I was calling a member to ask for a referral of their non-member friends--standard procedure. Well, it was actually an inactive that someone else had referred. I'm caught off guard of course, and am being awkward and trying to smooth things over. I bluster out some pathetic phrase like "Oh, ok. . . .well, why did you leave the church?" Luckily, the lady (maybe 30s) seems to be quite willing, and even desiring to talk about this. She starts off with gay marriage. Great. This is potentially a can of worms. I am able to greatly sympathize with her and we ride smoothly past the issue.
Much of the tension inside myself this whole 47 minute conversation was trying not to sacrifice my beliefs slash confuse myself while not offending her at the same time by trying to defend/explain beliefs. She believes there are many ways to get closer to Christ and there isn't one right way, and God doesn't really care how you go about it. Yes. But no. I mean, what do you say to that kind of thing? And wait for it--this breaks my heart--she was raised in the church and married in the temple. Oh the agony!
Immediately, I can see that I'm not equipped to handle this conversation. As I'm listening extremely intently, there is also another track in my mind that may have sounded something like me pleading "Jesus take the wheel." Or more accurately, "Heavenly Father, this conversation is going to have to be all you." Needless to say, my reliance on the Holy Ghost was heavy.
She said she made a very conscious, not-made-lightly decision to leave the church when she decided there wasn't just one way to be close to Christ. What sparked that decision was her brother who was a hardcore meth addict. As she explained it, the church was not his way to get close to Christ. He felt the church could not help him as he's being to do home teaching and he's just trying to make it through the hour without doing meth. Understandable, yes? How does one go against that without arguing? Answer: You can't. I did not point out that I knew many people that have deep issues that have made it through because of the church. Nor did I try to explain the purpose and need for a restoration. Which may have been my initial reaction.
Something I found very interesting that she said was that she can't possibly have as close of a relationship to Christ as her brother does because she never has, and never will (probably) go through the type of things that he died, and she doesn't want to have that kind of trial anyway. The heaven/degrees of glory thing doesn't jibe with her because she feels like her brother will be at the right hand of Christ no matter what he hasn't done that Mormons think he should do. I said I agree with her and that I believe that we will be granted where we go according to our desires.
I was able to talk about how I've at times felt far from God, even being in the church and doing what I'm "supposed to" to feel spiritual and haven't felt that way. But, as I have recently had ingrained deeply within me through personal experience, it wasn't about the church or the doctrines. It was about me. Yes, sometimes my fault for not making the effort, sometimes it was just the mood I was in. But as I've sacrificed certain things that would get in the way of me being close to God, my relationship has been able to grow. Even if that sacrifice is simply making the effort to do something that doesn't seem to be working for me. And later, I was able to briefly explain that that's why we make covenants/promises to God like baptism, or in the temple. We're showing God that we are willing to sacrifice, or do more, to be closer with Him.
There is no possible way I would have been able to make those connections and tie in what she was saying with what she needed to hear on my own. The whole time, I had complete control of the conversation. It was, looking back, like I knew exactly how it would go, like I had written a masterful script. Except I had no idea what I was doing and I was shaking nearly the whole time. I honestly know that in this situation, my missionary commission was fulfilled. I said the things Christ would say and did the things Christ would do if her were talking to her. Because that's the master who was leading this conversation, that's for sure.
On my own, I would have been an awkward slash offensive apologist. Relying on the Spirit, I mostly listened, asked questions, and bore testimony of the truths she said in my own words. It was amazing that I was taught how to be a great missionary by me being guided through the Spirit. And what's more, my testimony was so strengthened. I completely empathized and respected her beliefs, and yet the Spirit continually testified to me of the necessity of the restored gospel. I love the church. I love that people can draw close to Christ no matter what they believe. And yet, I know this gospel is the fastest, most joy-bringing way to get to Him, and holds all of the truths we need to make it through this life. While trials can be important and can most definitely bring us closer to God (if we have a soft heart), we do not need to be a huge sinner or have some devastating tragedy to know God. That's the beauty of the restored gospel! It's the best path to getting where you want to be and becoming the person you want to be come in this life and the life after this.
Woo hoo I'm a missionary and am trying to spread this message to the world/guests at Nauvoo. I love you all! My next preparation day is Monday so I probably won't be writing any letters today.
Love, Sister Rachel
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