Best Trio Ever

Dearest Family,

I am SO happy these days. Yes, I have my ups and downs, but largely it's so much more normal. I mean, I'm so happy it's like, "Was I really this happy before? How could I have been so lucky to have been this happy in my normal life?" Gah. Best Trio Ever. Seriously so light-hearted.  We just laugh all the time.  We read the missionary handbook (more commonly referred to as The White Handbook) in accents.  We make up goofy hand signs to memorize scriptures. We dance around to the soft chimes of Rendezvouz echoing from the Cultural Hall.  Sister Streeter and I have this coincidentally perfect thing where we find each other hilarious. Plus Sister Streeter had a pretty emotionally rough transfer last time as well, so we are both so amazed at our own ease of joy. And of course Sister Newell is always great, always a willing ear to hear all my theories, philosophies, and the occasional Christ-like rant. 

It's amazing how much more effective you feel (and are) as a missionary when you are truly happy.  Talking to people is like a million times easier.  And everyone just seems to love you back.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks came for the week and did our training meeting. I officially understand the concept of Elder Oaks as man vs. Elder Oaks as apostle (and in application with all other apostles/prophet).  You can just tell when he is speaking as a very very intelligent, super humble nice man, and then when he is talking as an Apostle of the Lord.  Both really great sides of him, but you can just tell the difference. Not in that "oh, I didn't like what he said so it's him being a man." No, not like that.  You can really just feel it, and the difference is pretty clear.

True Story: There is a non-member lady sitting in the middle of the VC waiting for her friend who brought her to Nauvoo to get out of the temple.  I go over and talked to her and feel the desire at a certain point in the conversation to pretty much give her the first lesson (which I normally don't feel the need to do). so I start talking about Christ's church on earth, the apostasy, the need for the proper authority on earth, etc.  Dang it, I didn't get to the Book of Mormon, I comment to Sister Newell. Eventually, Sister Newell talks to her as well, talks about the Book of Mormon (which she ties in with family history, which the lady is interested in), and she takes it.  It turns out Sister Mills had first talked to her, and felt the need to continually testify that she had a loving Heavenly Father.  Aka the first part of the first discussion.  So combined, all three of us taught this woman the whole first lesson! And Sister Mills said in the beginning the woman wouldn't even touch the Book of Mormon and said she doesn't really read, and by the time she finishes with Sister Newell, she says she'll read a chapter a day.  And every time, we tied it all in with genealogy, which is the only thing she was originally really interested in. Cool times in the VC. Whether we recognize it or not, the Spirit is always guiding this work! 

Ok, I love you! 

Love, Sister Rachel (as Holly enjoys calling me)

Transfers make the world go round.

Family!

Transfers were this week, and—wait for it *drumroll*—I am with Sister Streeter! And Sister Newell!  There are even numbers so this was quite the dramatic announcement, as there are now two threesomes. 

                I am so excited for this.  This is the most random seeming, and potentially most awesome threesome ever.  This transfer is only 3 and a half weeks anyways (because of the scheduling issues) so it’s just going to be a nonstop party. 

I am SO happy.  I love Sister Garner so dearly and nothing was her fault, but there was something wrong with me last transfer. I really don’t know what it was, but I liken it to the 5^th Harry Potter book in which Harry sometimes feels the influence of Voldemort through his scar.  Or, to give a different analogy. When Clark has the red kryptonite on Smallville (I think I get props for the Smallville reference, yes?).  And it changed overnight with transfers.  I could sleep again. I didn’t realize how much my sleep was not real sleep until I actually had a real night’s sleep. And I haven’t laughed as hard as I did in yesterday’s district meeting in a long time.  Sister Streeter is so much fun, and Sister Newell of course just adds to the fun.  It’s interesting because Sister Streeter is super intense. Super all about being exactly obedient, the best missionary she can be, really pushes herself to be better. But she also is just really fun and funny, so it works very well. And Sister Newell adds a great balance to the group, and we continue to have good conversations.  I can say with a surety, for the third time, that companionships are directly from God.  It’s so cool to be on a mission and to be able to directly see the sociological and psychological workings of God. And to observe them with the other sisters, too.  Quite fascinating.    Nothing I could have planned or foreseen but oh so right.

                I’ve learned a lot about darkness in this past transfer.  For reasons that, as previously stated, I don’t understand, I have been thrown into the depths of darkness and tried to analyze my way out of.  While I never quite successfully did so (I don’t know if anyone can quite analyze themselves out of any chemical imbalance—which is what I continually felt it was), I was able to do a lot of thinking and a lot of learning about what either a) caused me to be so low or b)I started to feel because I was so low.  I think at the root was low self-esteem. I started to feel. . .inadequate. Which is so not me, as you know. It was so foreign. I think for the first few weeks I was floundering simply because I’ve never had to deal with not having self-esteem before. Oh my goodness, if anything, this weird time in my life has helped me to see how critical it is to properly treat someone who has that kind of issue. 

               When I started to feel inadequate, I was comparing myself to others (in real time, not just “they are smart like this, and I am smart like that, and I appreciate them! And even if I am not the most righteous and wise, I’m still glad I’m me!” which is my norm).  I doubted myself. I didn’t realize that the thing I was doubting was me, and started to doubt God. It was hell to go through.  I doubted everything I had ever felt, pretty much, or experienced.  The two things I never doubted, however, was my testimony of the Book of Mormon, and of the testimonies of the modern day prophet/apostles.  I knew it was illogical to doubt God’s very existence but still know so strongly that others’ beliefs in him were true, but I didn’t know how to describe it, and at the time, I didn’t realize it was self-doubt.  Once I figured this out, I was still struggling but a feeling was deeply instilled in me that these feelings would eventually go away, and that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and would answer my prayers, even if I couldn’t even feel him there because I was so far from him because I wouldn’t allow myself to be there. 

               I now feel so much better.  My inner psyche realigned, and my unnatural self-doubt issues are going away.  I now see why comparing yourself to others is SO dangerous. Luckily it’s not something I inherently deal with—but it certainly is not something to trifle with.  I wish I could have a full analysis ready about this situation, but at the very least, I can say that I know now so strongly that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and will turn whatever I feel and experience into something that will work for my greater good. Certainly, I have felt such great joy in the past week. And you can’t feel the intensity of joy if you haven’t experienced the intensity of pain. Or at least, I would not appreciate it as greatly.  And I’ve gone through the hell of doubt and come up on the other side whole, with my testimony fully intact and strong.    

I haven’t laughed as hard as I did in yesterday’s district meeting, of all places, in a long time.  Sister Streeter is so much fun, and Sister Newell of course just adds to the fun.  It’s interesting because Sister Streeter is super intense. Super all about being exactly obedient, the best missionary she can be, really pushes herself to be better. But she also is just really fun and funny, so it works very well. And Sister Newell adds a great balance to the group, and we continue to have good conversations.  I can say with a surety for the third time that companionships are directly from God.  

On a less intense note, I had some really great experiences this week.  The other day, I started talking to this 15 year old kid who is really into basketball and was describing how hard he practices and whatnot.  I thought of this Mormon Message (The one with Tyler Haws. Colin, you would be proud http://www.mormonchannel.org/mormon-messages-for-youth?v=1463159448001) that had a lot to do with what he was talking about, so I told him about it but I didn’t have any way to show it to him.  Later on I asked him about something else and it turns out he’s not actually a member, despite living in Utah. Well, he goes into the theater to watch a short film and as he comes out I casually rush over to him to get his email. The interesting thing is that he seems to expect this, and is ready to give me both his email and address.  It seems like a small, brief interaction but I just knew it was important. I felt myself being led by the Spirit the entire time.

             I also felt myself being led by the Spirit in another conversation I had with a 16 year old boy (a reoccurring, coincidental pattern this week/mission). In one minute we are having menial conversation starting chit chat, the next he is telling me all about his life (in a non-weird way), and this poor kid has it hard.  There are just a lot of difficult family dynamics, and he tries so hard, but it seems as if there is very little he can do to really make a difference. I said what I could and what the Spirit directed, and I simply hope that in some way I was able to give him hope and strengthen his testimony.

Ok, out of time! I hope this wasn’t a super weird email--I can’t really tell. . .

Love, Sister Ross

It's hard to come up with non-generic titles for mission emails. This one is called "Feeling the Spirit."

Hey family,

This week was a pretty dang good one. I've come to a lot of pivotal realizations as I am slowly trying to figure out the weird (but good) shift of becoming a missionary.

Pageant is a fun place to do missionary work, and in some ways is easier because you can pick people out more, and everyone's feeling more social.  Sometimes it's a little awkward though. I guess it depends.  Somehow, Sister Garner and I got talking to these two guys (mid-late 20s ish?). One was a member and one was not.  They were both incredibly intelligent. It was a fantastically philosophical conversation, which I have missed so so dearly. And the Spirit was there--as sometimes seemingly "philosophical" conversations are actually simply cynical, and the conversation really just feels like a giant house falling in on itself . . .if that makes sense.  I have come to realize that cynicism is not equal to new/intellectual thought, despite what the little punks on mormon.org chat seem to think.  

Anyways, the member was taking issue on what I guess I would define as the rhetorical strategy for feeling the spirit in Nauvoo.  Some of the other young sisters he had come in contact with, he felt had been stuck in a box and wound up (and some other pretty funny figures of speech), and he felt like it inhibited the spirit.  He felt like the places speak for themselves and didn't like being told how to feel.  We then had a conversation about how the Spirit can be felt, and what facilitates it (Ah, the age old dilemma).  

Through the course of the conversation, he taught me some important things. I think he ultimately just felt like the presentations were a bit robotic, and that the missionaries didn't really have a passion for what they were teaching. He told of a time towards the end of his mission in which his bishop wrote him, "Teach what you love." I found that highly fascinating in the context of missionary work. I had never thought to think that because, in theory, as missionaries of course we are teaching what we love. That's why we are missionaries.  

But I did come to realize that sometimes you feel things more than others. And you can't just say "These broken plates remind us of the Atonement. Just as they were put back together, Christ can make us whole as well," without thinking about it, and truly feeling the importance of it beforehand. When you get in a routine, it's easy to do that. I know the "answers" for most things, but I had to think about how often I really am thinking and caring deeply about it when I express it to others. And of course, I care pretty deeply most of the time.  But it helped me re-evaluate how I do tours. If I feel like a certain metaphor will be forced, I'm just not saying it. Yes, I believe "families can be together forever," but if I'm not internalizing the reality of that as the Woodruff family experienced, I'm not saying it in their home just because.  

I also had a powerful experience in post greeting at the Pageant this week.  S.Garner and I were up towards the front of the stage where the actors were, and I was getting frustrated because there was no one to talk to and all the people were rushing to go/socializing with friends.  But then I turned around and there was a lady just sitting there. No one just sits there.  It was little bit of a forced conversation. Not because she didn't want to talk per se, but I think she just didn't know how to deal with it  all (it being the pageant, other emotions, etc.).  It turned out she was a non-member who comes to Pageant with the person she takes care of.  Somehow it got out that her partner/husband had died a few years ago and it was apparent that she had not gotten over it. She said she felt like she had lost her best friend, and she got tears in her eyes.  

I was able to tell her that relationships are eternal, and that her partner is looking after her, and caring about her and her growth right now.  I said things I did not know I really had to say. Things I had believed beforehand, of course, but nothing I had really ever put into words before. Then I just left, and it was like, "what just happened?"  Those kind of experiences are hard for me to comprehend. I think largely because I'm simply the instrument that God is using, and I don't understand why the conversation is significant, but I can feel that it is. It's funny how that happens some times. In some conversations, before anything of importance is really even said, you can just feel that it's going to be important.  

Transfers are this week!  We get 3 new girls (such an anomaly, by the way), and everyone wants people to guess what's going to happen, but of course no one really has any idea. It's a fruitless endeavor.  I don't think S.Garner and I are going to stay together. Having accepted that, I'm excited for change (theoretically, of course)! This next transfer will only be 4 weeks, and then some of my favorite sisters will be going home.  It's a sad, sad day.  There are too many people I want to be companions with and not enough transfers left.  

Ok, well I love you!

Love, Sister Ross

Hello everybody, it's been good to see you! (it's a Nauvoo reference... remember Sunset by the Mississippi?)

Family!

Well, Nauvoo hasn't changed much since you were here. . . 3 days ago.  Although, if there were ever a time for Nauvoo to really be a happening place, it's going to be in the next month.  The pageant starts tomorrow and we have some pretty filled schedules. When we're assigned to post greet, we are out until 10:40pm.  Woooah. Gettin crazy.  To be honest, I couldn't really explain to you what we do for Pageant. I think it's something you have to experience first.  

I forgot to tell you about what happened to me on Tuesday slash I sort of remembered to tell you but I realize I'm not really a story-telling kind of person in that way, and I didn't feel the need to force it into the brief conversations we had.  I was at pioneer pastimes and  I made friends with this total funzies kid named Riley, who was ten.  You know the clothes they have there--well, he put the bonnet on backwards and was like, "what's this?" I told him it was a bonnet for girls but I convinced him to keep it on.  He agreed because he thought he looked like a clone from star wars.

Also, I talked to this guy who, no big deal, won a gold medal in the Olympics in Munich for boxing (?), and is the world judo champion and etc. and etc.  He told me all about how he won the world judo fight thing as a ten year old.  He explained the move he did.  His dad raised him fist fighting mafia guys as a five year old.  And then he joined the church in his twenties! Pretty cool times.  

On Friday, I was able to talk with the Institute director at the University of Wisconsin, Maddison.  Talking to him was tender mercy because previously, I had been getting very socially/physically exhausted and just prayed that I could have strength beyond myself to make it.  Then I was able to talk to this guy and we had an enlightening conversation.  He wrote this book about the lesser known stories of the Book of Mormon, and he described some of them, and he really has an interesting religious/literary take on the Book of Mormon. One that I've been needing to hear.  

Sometimes I get in a scriptural rut. But I know that it doesn't have to be that way, it's just hard for me to figure out how it doesn't have to be that way. So it was nice talking to this man and having a real, intellectual conversation about the scriptures.  He said his mission president once encouraged him to read the Book of Mormon as fast as he could--which goes contrary to some preconceived notions. But when you do that, you get a lot more idea of the story/continuing stories than you do just slowly examining verse by verse. And honestly, in a lot of ways, that's more of my thing.  I am rejuvenated in my quest to find and analyze things in the Book of Mormon that I didn't think about being there.

Sister Garner and I have also been able to see TJ a couple of times as we've walked/biked home.  He invited me to his birthday party on July 27th!  He's turning 6!  He really is maybe one of the best people I could ever possibly know.  His personality is indescribably fantastic.  

Well, I'm glad you guys came for many reasons. It was good to see you but I'm very much glad to be a missionary right now.  I feel more set to be here.  I don't have to sometimes feel like I'm missing out on being in the idealized real world.  The real world is complicated and distracting.  In fact, it's a good thing we don't listen to "worldly" music and can't date the boys, or I would want to be a missionary forever. Let's be honest. 

Well, I love you!  

Love,

Sister Ross

God answers prayers: Lesson re-learned for the millionth time

Hello Family!

I am in particularly good spirits today!  I've been feeling in a fog of weird emotions for quite some time now (imagine PMSing for a month, where normally, you're like, "I think I have depression" and then two hours later you're like, "Nope, I'm good," except for off and on for a month) but I really think I'm turning a corner and am going to be fine.  There were events leading up to this, and particularly this week.  I think the pivotal moment was actually yesterday when we were practicing singing "We'll Bring the World His Truth" (Army of Helaman song) and I just felt so many things.  I mean, yes this song is normally good, but this was a particularly poignant moment.  I was able to get those feelings and desires that I had originally in going on a mission, and I was able to remember all the reasons that I want to be here and am so lucky and excited for it.  

This leads me to the concept of God answering prayers, on account of me not feeling like my prayers were being answered, or like I could really feel God's presence/love/etc., for some time.  As we've been on chat during the evenings, these people keep wanting immediate answers that will quickly persuade them to (or against) Mormonism, and that's just not how it works.  I have, and am learning, that God answers our prayers in the time that is best for us.  Yes, getting an initial answer right away would be "easier" except it wouldn't be at all, because the next time we would have the same amount of sufficiency at being able to learn (which wouldn't be very much) and we would be weaker for it, not as spiritually strong.  I know Heavenly Father does answer prayers. I know it.  And I know He does it in the time and in the way that is perfect for us.  If we knew better (but we can't because we literally don't have that God-ly perspective on our lives), we wouldn't want our answers to be given to us on a silver platter.  We'd keep needing platters, and we wouldn't have faith in anything.  

Anyways.   Fun surprise yesterday, that's for sure.  We were in Carthage (because on Sundays the Carthage sisters come to Nauvoo and some of us go up there) and Sis. Garner and I are outside of the jail giving the beginning part of the tour.  Sister Garner is talking and who do I see walking out of the parking lot? Opa and Sue!  Well, I was like a deer in the headlights.  Sister Garner finished talking and was waiting for me to say something, and I just turned to her (in front of the tour), dazed, and said, "My grandparents are here. . . "  

Luckily, after I gave the tour, I was able to partner up with the Senior Sister who was giving their tour.  Imagine teaching and testifying about the martyrdom of Joseph Smith in front of your non-Mormon grandparents.  Fun times! 

It was so cool to see them and have this surreal combining of real world and mission world.  

Also, we had a special tour/testimony meeting in Carthage on the day of the commemoration of the martyrdom that was really powerful. 

Also, I talked with this sweet kid from Taiwan for quite some time, and he took a picture with me.  Presh! Brings me back to the chinese foreign exchange student days.  I guess you could say I was prepared for him.   

Also, I am wearing contacts for the first time today. Hallelujah.  

Ok, I love you!  And I'm excited to see you!!

Love, Rachel