I told you I'd be back. And I am. Back.

Hello Family!!!

I am so happy to be in Nauvoo. Honestly, there were a few days there in Little Rock where I was so sad to be leaving. And when we pulled away from the church building for the last time and left the apartment, I felt like I was leaving home. But then when we came back to Nauvoo, I felt super home.  So I guess part of life is making enough bonds with the people/place that you have many homes all over the world. Why is life so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time?

Well, Sister Richardson and I were late to the St. Louis airport because our plane had this technical difficulty thing so when we showed up, it was just us and our new mission president and his wife, President and Sister Gibbons (formerly of the 70). https://www.lds.org/church/leader/larry-w-gibbons  He's even more precious than he looks. And he looks pretty precious. So we got like 5 straight quality hours of time with the Gibbons and it was like the most divine gift ever. First of all, I LOVE them. Sister Gibbons is Sister Secor. MY MISSION PRESIDENT'S WIFE IS PAM SECOR. So you could say I've pretty much won the game. I'm sure there are differences, but they sound and laugh the same. And she's full of spunk. And President Gibbons is gentle and humble and caring. I could just die of happiness. I know he is the right person for me. So much so that I even allowed myself to have a breakdown moment with him in our interview (which I never allow) when he asked me how he could help me be a better missionary. And I thought and I thought. And I realized that I needed to be happier. I mean, that is the point of life, is it not? (There is some Joseph Smith quote to back me up right now). So I had to break down and cry about how really, I should be happier but I just feel this pressure on me--self-imposed--that just kind of kills me a little bit. And he said something to me, something I'm not unfamiliar with, but he said--and he wanted me to write it down--" 75% of life is just showing up."  To be told that by my mission president? Kind of a big deal. It's the thing I've been needing just to let myself be enough for a while now. Because there's so much room for improvement. Such a high standard I can set myself up to. But I have been given permission to just show up. And I always do. What a dear man. And he said some other things and I said some other things. But yeah, that's the gist.

We haven't done too much so far, but I realize just how much of a (good) mental and spiritual effort it is to really try and make connections and boost everyone's happiness here. I definitely have had a few moments of sensory overload with so many sisters being around. So many people to talk to about so many things. And yet it was kind of nice to have that solitary relationship with your one companion that forced you to bond in a very special, even sacred kind of way. So, it's a balancing act to emotionally/spiritually/mentally connect with everyone and yet not spread myself too thin, whilst trying to maintain spiritual solidarity within myself. Many sisters had great outbound experiences. "It was a dream." But as I've talked to many, it freaks me out how similar we are. So many moments of being broken, disappointment, failed expectations, etc. And I'm all good right now. I really feel quite self-actualized in this moment. It took me a while to get here. It was very validating, and even testimony building to be able to see others at different places on the emotional path of where I have been, and to see it's something we all have experienced in our own ways.

So much to analyze.

My new companion is Sister Kupfer, just got out of the MTC. There's only six new girls this year, so that's quite the change. And they're all quieter too. Much more content to just listen. Sister Newell and I were talking and realized something about our generation (what we call "second summer sisters"). We are all the rulers of our own country. We rule it differently. But we aren't the vice presidents, the secretaries. We're the straight up presidents/rulers/queens/dictators. Everyone is extremely powerful in every sense of the word. Spiritually. Mentally. Personality.  It's terrifying. I also realize how much I love them all to death because we're all so dang similar in our issues because of our intensity. But anyways. Sister Kupfer is really sweet. She is a read head from Mesa, which is super weird. That's the third redheaded companion I've had in a row. And Sister Wilkins was from Mesa too. Although they don't know each other. Sister Kupfer actually reminds me a little bit of Kalyn (Walker, of course). She's more of a drama person. As in, performing arts. Likes choir, musicals. Very solid (as in stable, great testimony, obedient, normal). Tall. And she's a little more on the quiet side. (Which Kalyn isn't, so the comparison isn't exact). She is afraid to start talking to people and I couldn't wait, so we differ there, and it's exciting (slash I also feel decently inadequate) to help her gain confidence and have a positive mission experience right off the bat.

Overall, I'm just very happy to be back here and I've kind of rid myself of all expectations for anything (in a good way), and just feel happy to go and do whatever the Lord gives me. Well, I think so, anyway.  I love you! Send me an easter package with Cadbury eggs and Reese's eggs. That's all! No, I'm just kidding. It would be really nice if you could send me an easter package but I don't have any expectations because any kind of package at all feels like a luxury and it's definitely never been an expectation of mine, so yeah.

Love, Rachel

I apparently can't reflect on my personal growth worth a darn, so here goes nothing. Literally.

Hey Fam!

Yeah we still have no investigators, it's pretty depressing. Feels like I haven't taught in a long time. But oh well, I never wanted to teach people the gospel on my mission anyways...LOL.  Actually though, it's been fine. I'm obviously in a weird place anyways on account of I'm leaving this Thursday morning to go back to Nauvoo. I would say it's a good time to go. 

Of course, I've been processing my whole Arkansas experience trying to figure out and put into words exactly how I've grown and what I've learned. I really don't even know where to start because my growth has been overwhelming. Like, I thought I grew before but that was nothing. Now I feel like I've lived life. I can't even describe. I'm totally the same person obviously. But so so different. My understanding of everything is like a million billion times deeper. The words and concepts like "service," "repentance," "diligence," "motherhood," "God's love," and many other concepts, I'm sure, mean SO much more to me. Sorry I can't just give you my understanding of it. It comes with experience. I could have you read the same things I did but it wouldn't come off the same. Which has led me to realize that other people have known what I didn't know the whole time. And there's still so much more for me to discover. Part of me is thrilled at the possibilities, and the other part wants to live out my life in oblivion, frolicking on the beach and, more probably, becoming absorbed in tv series and shallow pleasures out of avoidance because it's just too much! Now I can only imagine if I didn't have the gospel. That kills me. The fact that people don't have the Gospel simply kills me. 

Anyways.

Conference was good. Actually, Conference was unforgettable. To be honest, Saturday session was totally an "I'll probs appreciate that more when I read it," kind of thing. But Sunday, Dean came to church! And it created quite the scene here. First of all, we were scared to go into the building, and I feel very legitimate in that fear. Because I wasn't supposed to talk to him, but he was literally searching me out (like going from room to room and ignoring other missionaries' pleasantries), so we waited for the Elders (Udall and Boyer), who knew the situation to come escort us in. And actually it was super adorable. They acted like the secret service and circled around me and pretended to speak to each other over the radio. Too presh. Then I was placed at the very end of the row, close to the wall, with 5 other sister missionaries squishing me and staggering their positions so that Dean couldn't see me. Because he was constantly looking over and trying to see me. It was real! And he kept getting up and leaving the room and then coming back, and it was so weird. and then when the session was over (great session, by the way), he ran, before the elders could occupy him, and came from behind to ask when I was leaving and tell me goodbye. Then the elders plus our ward mission leader plus the bishop gave him a talk in a room and told him he couldn't talk to me. Yeah, that really happened. #thedrama

I was blessed to feel super peaceful the whole time, so it was all good. And now I won't have to deal with him again. But I brought this upon the ward and I feel so bad.  

I actually freaked out big time when I thought back to last general conference and remembered all of us jittery Nauvoo sisters looking forward to the next general conference when we might actually have investigators there! And that whole time has passed now. Just like that. I've lived a million lifetimes in six months. And then I thought about next general conference, and I'll be home doing who knows what, and yeah, blows my mind. 

The other missionaries just made fun of me for writing novels for an email. And I was like, "It's two paragraphs, guys." We all email together these days in the family history center. Me and Sister Wilkins and like 4 other elders. Fun times. 

I'm excited to go back to Nauvoo and see everyone! I really am. I just love Nauvoo and even though we probably won't have much to do for a while, I'm still excited. I don't even care. (ha, right now). I'll figure out ways to be productive, and hopefully I'll appreciate it more than ever. I was totally way ahead of the President Uchtdorf gratitude game. Totally one of my goals this week.  I need to appreciate Arkansas. And I need to appreciate Nauvoo.  

And housekeeping stuff. I'm definitely going to have a shorter time emailing in Nauvoo. So I don't want you to cut down on your emails at all. But I'm just going to have to respond differently. like maybe through the normal mail. gross. or maybe I'll print off your lengthier emails and respond in the next week. I dunno. It'll work out. I'll see you guys soon enough anyways. And maybe I'll get better at journaling and just email you my journal entries, and be faster some how. By the grace of God. 

Ok, Love you! 

Love, Rachel

Spiritual Promptings: Make of them what you will

Hey Family!

You think with only a week and a half left here I'd calm down a little about missionary work or something. Not completely be feeling all torn up about it. But no.  Still stressin. One of the days that I was worrying about everything, I was having a pretty clear prompting during studies to read the Teachings of David O. McKay book that was on my desk. It was a pretty clear prompting. Like most promptings I get are not that clear. And not only that, but I knew I had to read a chapter about motherhood, of all things. I knew it. 

So then I did, and now I understand and appreciate motherhood on that much more of a spiritual level. This story doesn't sound like a big deal and I can't verbally communicate my newly found feelings, but just know that it is a big deal. The timing was right. And I think Heavenly Father was trying to tell me something about my missionary work and give me a specific kind of greater, eternal perspective. Man, missions are not what I thought they were. And I've grown in all the ways I never thought I would. 

Now, I want to tell you about Elder Smith. He is my district leader that just got transferred (away). I LOVE him!! He was the best! First of all, he has this girlfriend named Shelby who he's dead in love with (#eternalcompanions2016), so it was perfect because we could talk to he and his companion Elder Mathews (who I could write another essay on, I love him so) about anything and it wasn't weird because they were totally friend zoned in the best way possible. No weirdness or awkwardness at all. SO rare. 

He was sooo supportive and soo loving. He always built us up so much and we wanted to be better just because he totally believed in us and thought we were awesome. We knew all about his life, his love for Shelby, his friends, his family, his conversion. He knew all about our lives. It was the perfect sister-district leader relationship. We knew it couldn't last. But we're going to be friends forever. Especially as I'm planning on being married before he comes home so we can be couple friends together, because that's really the only way that would work out. 

I just can't believe how many people there are in the world to love. It never ceases to amaze me. 

Well, I love you all, too! 

Love Rachel

PS The funniest/worst thing happened this past week and a half. So S.Wilk and I are trying to find a referral but we only have the building number and not the apartment number. So I get this prompting to go to one of the numbers and this small, crazy haired man opens the door, then says, "Just a minute," and shuts the door. Sister Wilkins looks at me and says, "Way to follow the Spirit, Sister Ross." But then she has to eat her words because he lets us in (we had a member with us) and he totally has a lot of interest! 

Then we have another lesson with him and we start to get the creep vibe. So we give him to the elders. It's all good right? No. He gives me this special attention that makes me feel highly uncomfortable and it keeps happening. Yesterday at church was the worst. I don't want to go into detail because it makes me feel unwell. But yeah, get out of my bubble and no, you don't distract me, Dean!  

So he was hanging around after church trying to come "observe" our ward correlation meeting. And then the elders and went and talked to him. And had to give him the smack down. "No Dean, she doesn't like you." Ughhhhhh echhhhh chweaje;fljiawo4efij      

Sister Wilkins and I felt soooo awful yesterday. Just thoroughly creeped out and so paranoid that he'd be around any corner. We still can't get it off our minds completely. It's just so weird. He's like 50. askfd;aijef'aowejf as;faw;eiojf

So then "Way to follow the Spirit, Sister Ross," became double-y ironic. In this respect, it's a dang good thing I'm leaving soon. 

I needed to PS this because when I think about it I can't feel the Spirit very much so I didn't want it to ruin the vibe of my letter. 

"Listen to your creep-dar. . . CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS RIGHT!"--Sister Wilkins, who has been a great support through this whole thing 

Does this email even make sense?

Hey Fam! 

Just went to the temple, which was great! So I'm running out of time. 

True story, this week I learned what diligence means. The true meaning of diligence, that is. So I read this great article full of mini articles about home teaching and every single story inspired me in a different way, and now I know what diligence is. Here's the article: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/01/home-teachers-who-made-a-difference?lang=eng&query=home+teaching 

I realized that diligence and hard work are not the same thing. Hard work is often a result of diligence, but it's a correlation does not equal causation situation. I've always felt bad when thinking about diligence because I work so hard because I could always work harder. But diligence isn't just killing yourself. It's caring about something enough to be persistent about it. (For example, often times I would work very hard in school, but I was not always diligent about it.) And this article, without me even being conscious of it, taught me what true diligence is. And now it's a value I can actually pursue and not feel bad about.  Wooo! Moral of the story (aside from seeking diligence): Heavenly Father always wants the best for us and what will make us happy, and when we realize what it is He truly wants, we totally want it too! Does that make sense? I'm trying to cram a monumental discovery in a fast time period. 

There was something else I discovered about life but I can't remember. . .gah it's killing me. 

This week we found a lot of people. .. again. But no one super solid. . .again. Here's a total non-coincidence: We're walking out of a less active's home and run directly into these guys who are selling Dish for a few months, going door to door, so we could relate. And their bosses are Mormon and centered in Provo, and everyone they work with is Mormon, and the one kid is just. . .has so much potential. We haven't been able to see them again, but it's my dying wish of Arkansas slash my whole life to baptize this kid. If he's ready. Because if he was, he would be, to me, the picture of hastening the work. So I've got two and half weeks to keep changing the world over here and it's possible. I believe in miracles.  Not going to lie, Sister Wilkins and I have made really good friends with the elders and it's going to be so sad to leave them. Although two of our top faves are getting transferred on Wednesday anyways.

I have super mixed feelings about going back to Nauvoo. In some ways I'm super excited but at the same time, I don't want to plateau. But I don't want new weird challenges that nearly kill me, as has been my missionary experience thus far. #thestruggle #thewillofGod

I love you all. I may need to clarify on my diligence epiphany next week. 

Love, Rachel 

#murricles

Hey fam,

This week was a skraight up blur. Like I was telling my journal yesterday, the last thing I remember was eating dinner at the Lewises on Sunday and then it was Sunday again. A miracle happened this week. We have been praying to find someone to baptize for the month and this week was the last week for that to happen because they have to attend church for two weeks. Well, our prospects weren't looking super good (minus Ebony and Ingrid who are still getting baptized and are awesome except they aren't in our area but we found the elect, which is what we prayed for, so oh well). But we found this less active named China through the craziest string of events who wasn't on the ward list even. Anyways, we invited China back to church and she actually came! And she brought her young nephews/brother, and her nonmember aunt. . . .who wants to get baptized! So we think that's going to be happen. Really, Heavenly Father takes care of things. And also, we really can't really do anything without Him. It's a comforting thought and yet scary at the same time, of course. 

I'm really big into scripture study these days. Like all the time. And I'm getting better at recording impressions/mini personal revelations. Really, you can figure so much out about your life and about who you are and what you want in a few days of good scripture study. (Scripture including ensigns and Preach my Gospel). I swear, I'm the biggest fan of it. I'm going to go home and go on a scripture study campaign. It's going to be #obnoxious. But it's really the foundation for everything. Everything.  

Ok, I love you all! 

Love, Rachel

Running the Skreets.

Hey Fam, 

This week was good. I feel like every week or month in the mission field I just re-learn the same lessons over and over. One week I discover how to follow God's will. Then I find myself not being happy and wonder what's going on and find myself caring too much about what others think and have to regain my eternal perspective and realign my will with God's and it just is a variation of the same pattern over and over. Pretty embarrassing. But you know, I'm sure I'm getting somewhere in my growth. I feel a million years older than when I left on my mission. 

This week we had a semi-brief interaction with one of my favorite people I've met. We contacted him (aka we said, "Hi! We're missionaries!" etc.), asked for his phone number and he said he didn't have a phone. "You don't have a phone?!" I said. "Well, I do, but it's not a Christian lady phone.  I use it for my work and I don't want to be answerin the phone, like 'where you at?' tryina sell somthin. . .I have seven kids and I gotta take care of them, ya know?" 

So yeah, he's a drug dealer. And he was probably no older than 25. Oh man, he was hilarious. He can't stay with one woman. Talking about women, he said, "Yall nag." Then I say, "Wait, 'Yall'? (pointing  to me and Sister Wilkins)"  "Yeah. All yall nag too much."  Such good times. What a personality.  We gave him our card with the church address and our number and I really want him to call us, obviously, because he really needs the help, obviously. But people never call us when we give them our number--it's real sad. So, pray for Fred. 

We have interactions like these (but this is the first drug dealer that I've been aware that I've talked to) a fair amount. Black people are too much fun. Really. I am going to be soo sad when I no longer have an excuse to just walk around the streets and strike up conversations with randoms, Book of Mormon in hand, "preaching the word," as they say.  "The Word" is an actual phrase for other religions, didjaknow?  

Sad day. In a stroke of miracle we found the elect, committed them to a date, and are probs going to have to hand them over to other missionaries because they are actually not in our ward boundaries. It was a mom and daughter--super super cool, so ready to change. Ugh. It's fine but I'm still sad. 

We are also teaching this black guy named Mario who is super awesome and changing already before our eyes and he better get baptized before I leave!! He just is afraid that he'll want to feel the spirit so bad that he'll make himself believe that he is, even if he's not. He's just, I think, skeptical of what "feeling the spirit" is really like, so we're trying to help him understand that. His heart is really open though, it seems. I am sure he will get baptized, it just needs to be when I'm there. I guess in the lesson he had with S.Wilkins and another Sister when I was away on exchanges he said something like, "I want to be like Sister Ross. She just seems so happy." That made me feel good. Preach my Gospel says something like, Be ready to tell anyone the source from which your happiness comes. It's the Gospel, yo! And it's true! 

Well, that was my week. Not really, but you got like 15 minutes of it. 

Love, Rachel

ps and don't worry about the drug dealer thing. I always feel really super safe. Really. Things are ghetto because they're dirty and run down. But not like, meth house ghetto. We avoid those places. And we definitely don't go anywhere sketch after dark. 

pps Instead of the word "ask," most black people here say "axe" or "ackts" like, "Why are you axin me that question?" and t's get replaced with k's a lot. 

Sorry every email I've ever sent from Arkansas is super lame.

Hey family!

I don't know but writing about me is like literally the last thing I ever want to do. It's almost just too hard to really think about or accurately describe my week or anything I do, so I almost just don't even want to try. But I'll try anyways. 

So this was one of those weeks where it transitions from everything going smooth and being happy to things starting to fall through and feeling that panic-discouragement feeling. That's kind of how it seems to be on a normal pros mission. Things are either blowin up or feeling really bleak. It seems like just yesterday we had so much potential and now we realize that none of it came through. 

But it's actually super ok because both Sister Wilkins and I had our separate get-it-together, life-view-paradigm-shift moments and we are totally fine.  We realized we were feeling a lot of numbers pressure, and just other types of pressure to appear to be the best missionaries. And it was just too much. I know, it seems so dumb. And I always thought I would never be that missionary. But I swear, you don't know what it's like until you're in it. I never thought I would have such missionary identity issue problems. But the weight of the mantle is super real. Super super real. That's really the thing about being a missionary that kills me. The weight I feel for the entire city of Little Rock! But really, Sister Wilkins and I had a good talk about it, and we are so happy. I feel like in the past little while, I've really been able to develop the spiritual skills to get myself out of more of my issues. Well, hopefully at least. And now my goal is simply to just love the people I'm with, and nothing else. Well, and the Lord. Loving the Lord is #1. 

So we have a bestie in the ward who is also an RM and all that jazz and she is so useful and goes out with us and we love her. And we're teaching her friend who's way more than a friend and it's complicated. So we had a date with them on Valentine's day lolz. And then we had a dinner and a lesson date with them not this past week but the week before. And we were sitting at a rectangular table, right? And S. Wilk and I are at the long ends of the table and our dear friends are sitting across from each other making flirty faces and googly eyes, and S Wilk and I make the big mistake of making eye contact with each other. Sister Wilkins and I have this problem where we get to a certain place and a mutual understanding, and cannot keep it together. So of course we make eye contact and are just dying. We can't stop laughing because the whole situation is just so hilarious. And they can't figure out for the life of them why we're laughing, and we couldn't really tell them if we tried. But you know, lots of funny situations come up when you're on a mission.

Things, like I mentioned before, are transitioning. So nothing super solid. But miracles are around the corner, ya?

Love you all!

Love, Rachel