A lot has happened since I talked to you last. Not sarcastic.
Here is the scene, as follows:
I am sitting on the couch upstairs, talking with Sister Richardson and Sister Hughes. Both dear friends now. I am discussing my visit with my family to S. Hughes because she is interested. And I realize that for the first time on my mission, I am homesick. The past phone calls to you guys have been great, much needed, etc. but then it was back to business. This one though, I just felt like, well why can't I just call these guys all the time? I just want to be able to talk to them all the time. It was sad. I miss you.
Then the conversation turned to how I haven't shed, to my knowledge, a single tear for my family my entire mission, and is this a problem? And then I discussed all the deeper issues this entails, including my inability to open up to anyone. Anyone. For a long long time. Of course I am an open and honest person but really I only describe my feelings long after they have passed and I can discuss them rationally and they only exist as the remnant of an emotion conveyed through thought. This was a very logical conversation. Sister Hughes was fascinated by my inner workings. She loves me far too much and thinks far too highly of me. But then she asked me the last person who I felt like I really opened up to and I actually lost it, so to speak.
This is a big deal, guys. I know you can't fully understand, but after months of my true emotions being shut off entirely from the outside world, I was actually able to tell them, in the moment, raw, and be rational and yet irrational at the same time. I could go on in deep philosophical discussion about the expression of one's inner emotions (and how oddly that truly often does come through tears) but I will refrain for the moment.
Anyways, the reason why I started to cry and was able to open up was because the person was Sister Wood. And I am still just so deeply sad and concerned and, honestly, brokenhearted about the whole thing. That she's not here. That she is in pain. I think it's the first time that I've had this kind of active engagement in another person's life problems. It's the kind of pain that can't quickly be resolved because it involves an entire person and their life. Oh it is so complicated.
So anyways. I am crying and of course the other sisters are emotional as well because Sister Wood's absence is a giant loss on our part. One of those holes that can't be filled. And we have a good talk about Sister Wood and my emotions and back again. And then Sister Hansen, who is becoming a dear friend, came out of a different room having talked to Sister Gines, and they're both crying, so we say, join the party. And then they ask why I'm crying. I explain the scene. And it turns out they had been talking about that too, and we're all upset about it, and it's not ok. So we're crying and then we decide to say a prayer. So we kneel in a circle, like we do, and Sister Hansen says a prayer. And then Sister Richardson says a prayer. And then Sister Hughes says a prayer. And the whole thing was really one of the most spiritual experiences I've had on my mission.
It was like an emotional-spiritual-faith filled bond moment where words just can't express it. But I now have a deeper understanding of what life is about, and what Heavenly Father feels.
I'm sorry if this whole thing is sounding weird or unrelatable. It probably is a you-had-to-be-there kind of thing.
So what are missions anyway?
Well, I love you guys. And I miss you. I'm going to go back to putting my whole heart in the work because I'll see you soon anyways.
Love, Rachel
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