Continually finding higher spheres to live life.

Hello Family! 

A lot has happened since I talked to you last. Not sarcastic. 

Here is the scene, as follows: 

I am sitting on the couch upstairs, talking with Sister Richardson and Sister Hughes. Both dear friends now. I am discussing my visit with my family to S. Hughes because she is interested. And I realize that for the first time on my mission, I am homesick. The past phone calls to you guys have been great, much needed, etc. but then it was back to business. This one though, I just felt like, well why can't I just call these guys all the time? I just want to be able to talk to them all the time. It was sad. I miss you. 

Then the conversation turned to how I haven't shed, to my knowledge, a single tear for my family my entire mission, and is this a problem? And then I discussed all the deeper issues this entails, including my inability to open up to anyone. Anyone. For a long long time. Of course I am an open and honest person but really I only describe my feelings long after they have passed and I can discuss them rationally and they only exist as the remnant of an emotion conveyed through thought. This was a very logical conversation. Sister Hughes was fascinated by my inner workings. She loves me far too much and thinks far too highly of me. But then she asked me the last person who I felt like I really opened up to and I actually lost it, so to speak. 

This is a big deal, guys. I know you can't fully understand, but after months of my true emotions being shut off entirely from the outside world, I was actually able to tell them, in the moment, raw, and be rational and yet irrational at the same time. I could go on in deep philosophical discussion about the expression of one's inner emotions (and how oddly that truly often does come through tears) but I will refrain for the moment. 

Anyways, the reason why I started to cry and was able to open up was because the person was Sister Wood. And I am still just so deeply sad and concerned and, honestly, brokenhearted about the whole thing. That she's not here. That she is in pain. I think it's the first time that I've had this kind of active engagement in another person's life problems. It's the kind of pain that can't quickly be resolved because it involves an entire person and their life. Oh it is so complicated. 

So anyways. I am crying and of course the other sisters are emotional as well because Sister Wood's absence is a giant loss on our part. One of those holes that can't be filled. And we have a good talk about Sister Wood and my emotions and back again. And then Sister Hansen, who is becoming a dear friend, came out of a different room having talked to Sister Gines, and they're both crying, so we say, join the party. And then they ask why I'm crying. I explain the scene. And it turns out they had been talking about that too, and we're all upset about it, and it's not ok. So we're crying and then we decide to say a prayer. So we kneel in a circle, like we do, and Sister Hansen says a prayer. And then Sister Richardson says a prayer. And then Sister Hughes says a prayer. And the whole thing was really one of the most spiritual experiences I've had on my mission. 

It was like an emotional-spiritual-faith filled bond moment where words just can't express it. But I now have a deeper understanding of what life is about, and what Heavenly Father feels. 

I'm sorry if this whole thing is sounding weird or unrelatable. It probably is a you-had-to-be-there kind of thing. 

So what are missions anyway? 

Well, I love you guys. And I miss you. I'm going to go back to putting my whole heart in the work because I'll see you soon anyways. 

Love, Rachel

Sometimes the elect can be people who didn't used to be elect.

Family!!

Guess what I just found out?? Remember Pat? Who's mother died and I spoke at her funeral who was excommunicated (Pat, that is)? SHE'S GETTING BAPTIZED!! Do you know how big that is? Do you remember how Pat started off?? She wouldn't talk about the gospel with her mother's home teachers even though they were good friends. Then we would go to "visit" her completely incapacitated mother and read "her" the Book of Mormon, which Pat accepted but would act all uncomfortable if we actually asked her gospel questions. But after many visits and her mother dying and all, we found a way to talk to her about the gospel in a way she accepted and I guess the first Sunday after I was transfered she went to church and went ever since. And now she's getting baptized (again. . . part of the problem the first time was that she felt pressured into it by the missionaries and her mother who was a convert)! Anyways. HUGE testimony builder of, well, I don't know, everything. People can change. People can recognize truth, even if it takes a while. And really, it's only been a little over 6 months since we started talking with Pat. The Summervilles, who have played a big role, home taught her for like 5 years. And they found her mom out of complete obscurity. Pat didn't even know how the church found her mom because her mom had been inactive before they even moved and they hadn't told anyone about the move at all. Tiny little miracles. Really, it was very tiny tiny things. But suddenly Pat's getting baptized!

This week has been great. We had 54 lessons this week. To put that in perspective, we weren't getting those kinds of numbers--that I'm aware of--until late in June or maybe even July last year. But there are just more people here! And way more people on chat. They just keep coming on. We do like three chats at a time. And maybe it's just the luck of the draw, but a lot of them are simply more curious about Mormonism and a lot less anti. It's really great to see. 

The reason I didn't email yesterday is because we did the trek. It wasn't the same without Sister Streeter there running around barefoot, wearing the pioneer hat her family got for her, but what can you do?

Really, I just appreciate so much about Nauvoo right now. Every tour/lesson we have is spiritual. Every time. Do you know how many times door approaches and street contacts were spirit filled. Pretty much never. Nauvoo is just the best. I think it's the best kind of missionary work under the sun. The nonmembers on chat are super honest. And with the members who are ready to receive us, you can just jump right in. 

Ok, I love you guys. I'll talk to you on Sunday. 

Love, Rachel 

Congratulations, you get the play by play on my talk about faith in Jesus Christ.

Hello Family! 

I love Nauvoo. I LOVE the senior missionaries. Last year it took me a while to get used to them. Now, it's literally like the best thing I've ever experienced. They are just like us but older and it's so fantastic. I highly appreciate the nuances of personality as displayed in senior missionaries, and the subtle humor--intended or not--kills me every time. I could go on. We've had a lot of time with these senior missionaries in the sights and hearing their life stories is like the joy of my existence. So many trials. So much faith! I look at trials differently now, since Arkansas. With less fear, and more understanding. I just appreciate Nauvoo so much these days. 

I had to give a talk this Sunday on faith in Jesus Christ. Well, I was not overjoyed at this topic because it overwhelms me. And in the past, every time I've studied faith, I just psyche myself out and start to doubt my own faith (not like in the gospel, but just the power to make good things happen).  For example, Enos saw the finger of God because of his faith. Have you seen the finger of God? I didn't think so! And then when you're in a pros mission and all these miracles are dependent on your faith and your leaders are like, "If you pray for baptisms, you'll have more success." And I'm like, "No duh, Einstein (Malcolm in the Middle reference), you think I don't want to bring souls unto Christ?" So then when they don't happen, it's like an obvious key indicator of lack of faith. Well, these were my feelings in the past. 

So this is actually what I ended up talking about: 

First, I told the story of when Sister Kim and I were being fed by the senior missionaries. The schedules had gotten messed up and we hadn't called them beforehand and we were really afraid they might have forgotten and just ordered us pizza. But we had been eating not well and we really wanted delicious homemade food. Sister Kim says (half) jokingly, "I have the faith. We will get good food. I have the faith." Then they remember and we got quality food and we had a good laugh about how our faith had gotten us there. Obviously, I say, you can't just "faith" your way into whatever you want. It's easy to see on a small scale with Sister Kim, where the stakes aren't high, but sometimes on a larger scale we feel like we're doing something wrong, like we don't have enough faith, if we can't see miracles. 

Then I tell the story of the Duncan family from the Little Rock ward whose three year old son Ben has cancer, and then because of the chemo, his heart got messed up, and then his heart had to get better for them to even continue the chemo, and basically he's dying and there's not very much hope. And the whole stake is involved and every sacrament meeting, they pray for Ben, and even our fave recent convert, Maureen, would pray of her own accord for Ben to get his miracle soon. Well, the Bishop once asked the dad to bare his testimony in church and, among the things he said, the one that stood out to me was, "Faith is not dependent on outcomes." That's pretty intense for a father to say whose innocent son is dying. 

Then I talked about how faith is simply acting upon things, the result of which you can't see. And how everything that seems unfair about life will be made fair through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And about how our faith is in Jesus Christ, etc. And then I shared this scripture: 2 Nephi 26 

23 For behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you that the Lord God worketh not in ^adarkness.

 24 He doeth not ^aanything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he ^bloveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw ^call men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation.  

I then quoted Preach My Gospel about how faith is shown through repentance, obedience, and diligent service, which, I assured the whole group of largely missionaries, they were doing. So they have faith! I have faith! 

And I didn't mean to tell you the whole talk exactly, but once I started I realized I had to finish. 

Well, there were parts whilst I was talking where I literally blanked, which I don't usually do, and which is my worst fear. I stumbled along and felt like a fool. And I thought I would get shallow level, consolation talk acknowledgment afterwards, but you know what? People loved it. Even the seniors said it helped them. The seniors. And that is my testimony of how prayers are answered and how the Spirit really works. The Spirit apparently blurred over my awkward parts and drove the message into the heart of each person to help them with what they needed. Not to mention, through the process of planning the talk, the simple concept of faith was solidified in my heart. 

Sorry, this was very long. And I don't know if the talk came across as strongly. Just be reassured that apparently it was effective. 

I love you all! 

Love, Rachel

Livin the dream.

Hello Dear Family!

Not much to report on since Wednesday. Easter was pretty good. Not the shebang I apparently missed with you guys, but the mission presidency made us dinner (the legitimate kind--with ham and all) to eat together at the house, so that was nice. We're pretty spoiled sometimes. Thank you for the package, Mum. For some reason, I particularly wanted one (I was 100% lying when I said I didn't need one, obviously), so it was very nice to get all that candy. 

We're still kind of just touring around and doing some of the basic stuff for the new sisters so we haven't had too many experiences just yet. But there are already way more people in Nauvoo here than there were last year at this time. I've had a few experiences with guests--enough to feel like I'm going to have to start all over with my visitor center skillz. Well, kinda sorta. Just when you think you've got listening to the Spirit down pat. . . psyche! you realize you're a dang fool and you don't know anything. Although just kidding on the thinking I'm covered on listening to the Spirit. Never thought I was finished learning about that one. 

Something I love about this summer so far is that there are a bunch of returning sisters, with extremely dynamic and powerful personalities, so we've all been given different responsibilities, and we've all asked each others opinions on all of it. It's genius. It's like an unofficial democratic form of government. Those who are in charge of the call center strike up a conversation with any random sister(s) about what they should do, and anyone else leaves and enters the conversation at will, and you know I'm all about expressing my (informed and thoughtful) opinion. So it's super awesome and everyone comes off better for it. And it's just because we all care so much that we can't stop talking about missionary work. 

So these conversations just happen spontaneously. If you could harness our creative energy and put it into some kind of battery, we could patent it and make billions of dollars. 

I love you! We'll see what this next week brings. Oh yes, and I think the day I'm officially coming home is August 20th. So just keep that in mind. 

Love, Rachel

I told you I'd be back. And I am. Back.

Hello Family!!!

I am so happy to be in Nauvoo. Honestly, there were a few days there in Little Rock where I was so sad to be leaving. And when we pulled away from the church building for the last time and left the apartment, I felt like I was leaving home. But then when we came back to Nauvoo, I felt super home.  So I guess part of life is making enough bonds with the people/place that you have many homes all over the world. Why is life so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time?

Well, Sister Richardson and I were late to the St. Louis airport because our plane had this technical difficulty thing so when we showed up, it was just us and our new mission president and his wife, President and Sister Gibbons (formerly of the 70). https://www.lds.org/church/leader/larry-w-gibbons  He's even more precious than he looks. And he looks pretty precious. So we got like 5 straight quality hours of time with the Gibbons and it was like the most divine gift ever. First of all, I LOVE them. Sister Gibbons is Sister Secor. MY MISSION PRESIDENT'S WIFE IS PAM SECOR. So you could say I've pretty much won the game. I'm sure there are differences, but they sound and laugh the same. And she's full of spunk. And President Gibbons is gentle and humble and caring. I could just die of happiness. I know he is the right person for me. So much so that I even allowed myself to have a breakdown moment with him in our interview (which I never allow) when he asked me how he could help me be a better missionary. And I thought and I thought. And I realized that I needed to be happier. I mean, that is the point of life, is it not? (There is some Joseph Smith quote to back me up right now). So I had to break down and cry about how really, I should be happier but I just feel this pressure on me--self-imposed--that just kind of kills me a little bit. And he said something to me, something I'm not unfamiliar with, but he said--and he wanted me to write it down--" 75% of life is just showing up."  To be told that by my mission president? Kind of a big deal. It's the thing I've been needing just to let myself be enough for a while now. Because there's so much room for improvement. Such a high standard I can set myself up to. But I have been given permission to just show up. And I always do. What a dear man. And he said some other things and I said some other things. But yeah, that's the gist.

We haven't done too much so far, but I realize just how much of a (good) mental and spiritual effort it is to really try and make connections and boost everyone's happiness here. I definitely have had a few moments of sensory overload with so many sisters being around. So many people to talk to about so many things. And yet it was kind of nice to have that solitary relationship with your one companion that forced you to bond in a very special, even sacred kind of way. So, it's a balancing act to emotionally/spiritually/mentally connect with everyone and yet not spread myself too thin, whilst trying to maintain spiritual solidarity within myself. Many sisters had great outbound experiences. "It was a dream." But as I've talked to many, it freaks me out how similar we are. So many moments of being broken, disappointment, failed expectations, etc. And I'm all good right now. I really feel quite self-actualized in this moment. It took me a while to get here. It was very validating, and even testimony building to be able to see others at different places on the emotional path of where I have been, and to see it's something we all have experienced in our own ways.

So much to analyze.

My new companion is Sister Kupfer, just got out of the MTC. There's only six new girls this year, so that's quite the change. And they're all quieter too. Much more content to just listen. Sister Newell and I were talking and realized something about our generation (what we call "second summer sisters"). We are all the rulers of our own country. We rule it differently. But we aren't the vice presidents, the secretaries. We're the straight up presidents/rulers/queens/dictators. Everyone is extremely powerful in every sense of the word. Spiritually. Mentally. Personality.  It's terrifying. I also realize how much I love them all to death because we're all so dang similar in our issues because of our intensity. But anyways. Sister Kupfer is really sweet. She is a read head from Mesa, which is super weird. That's the third redheaded companion I've had in a row. And Sister Wilkins was from Mesa too. Although they don't know each other. Sister Kupfer actually reminds me a little bit of Kalyn (Walker, of course). She's more of a drama person. As in, performing arts. Likes choir, musicals. Very solid (as in stable, great testimony, obedient, normal). Tall. And she's a little more on the quiet side. (Which Kalyn isn't, so the comparison isn't exact). She is afraid to start talking to people and I couldn't wait, so we differ there, and it's exciting (slash I also feel decently inadequate) to help her gain confidence and have a positive mission experience right off the bat.

Overall, I'm just very happy to be back here and I've kind of rid myself of all expectations for anything (in a good way), and just feel happy to go and do whatever the Lord gives me. Well, I think so, anyway.  I love you! Send me an easter package with Cadbury eggs and Reese's eggs. That's all! No, I'm just kidding. It would be really nice if you could send me an easter package but I don't have any expectations because any kind of package at all feels like a luxury and it's definitely never been an expectation of mine, so yeah.

Love, Rachel

I apparently can't reflect on my personal growth worth a darn, so here goes nothing. Literally.

Hey Fam!

Yeah we still have no investigators, it's pretty depressing. Feels like I haven't taught in a long time. But oh well, I never wanted to teach people the gospel on my mission anyways...LOL.  Actually though, it's been fine. I'm obviously in a weird place anyways on account of I'm leaving this Thursday morning to go back to Nauvoo. I would say it's a good time to go. 

Of course, I've been processing my whole Arkansas experience trying to figure out and put into words exactly how I've grown and what I've learned. I really don't even know where to start because my growth has been overwhelming. Like, I thought I grew before but that was nothing. Now I feel like I've lived life. I can't even describe. I'm totally the same person obviously. But so so different. My understanding of everything is like a million billion times deeper. The words and concepts like "service," "repentance," "diligence," "motherhood," "God's love," and many other concepts, I'm sure, mean SO much more to me. Sorry I can't just give you my understanding of it. It comes with experience. I could have you read the same things I did but it wouldn't come off the same. Which has led me to realize that other people have known what I didn't know the whole time. And there's still so much more for me to discover. Part of me is thrilled at the possibilities, and the other part wants to live out my life in oblivion, frolicking on the beach and, more probably, becoming absorbed in tv series and shallow pleasures out of avoidance because it's just too much! Now I can only imagine if I didn't have the gospel. That kills me. The fact that people don't have the Gospel simply kills me. 

Anyways.

Conference was good. Actually, Conference was unforgettable. To be honest, Saturday session was totally an "I'll probs appreciate that more when I read it," kind of thing. But Sunday, Dean came to church! And it created quite the scene here. First of all, we were scared to go into the building, and I feel very legitimate in that fear. Because I wasn't supposed to talk to him, but he was literally searching me out (like going from room to room and ignoring other missionaries' pleasantries), so we waited for the Elders (Udall and Boyer), who knew the situation to come escort us in. And actually it was super adorable. They acted like the secret service and circled around me and pretended to speak to each other over the radio. Too presh. Then I was placed at the very end of the row, close to the wall, with 5 other sister missionaries squishing me and staggering their positions so that Dean couldn't see me. Because he was constantly looking over and trying to see me. It was real! And he kept getting up and leaving the room and then coming back, and it was so weird. and then when the session was over (great session, by the way), he ran, before the elders could occupy him, and came from behind to ask when I was leaving and tell me goodbye. Then the elders plus our ward mission leader plus the bishop gave him a talk in a room and told him he couldn't talk to me. Yeah, that really happened. #thedrama

I was blessed to feel super peaceful the whole time, so it was all good. And now I won't have to deal with him again. But I brought this upon the ward and I feel so bad.  

I actually freaked out big time when I thought back to last general conference and remembered all of us jittery Nauvoo sisters looking forward to the next general conference when we might actually have investigators there! And that whole time has passed now. Just like that. I've lived a million lifetimes in six months. And then I thought about next general conference, and I'll be home doing who knows what, and yeah, blows my mind. 

The other missionaries just made fun of me for writing novels for an email. And I was like, "It's two paragraphs, guys." We all email together these days in the family history center. Me and Sister Wilkins and like 4 other elders. Fun times. 

I'm excited to go back to Nauvoo and see everyone! I really am. I just love Nauvoo and even though we probably won't have much to do for a while, I'm still excited. I don't even care. (ha, right now). I'll figure out ways to be productive, and hopefully I'll appreciate it more than ever. I was totally way ahead of the President Uchtdorf gratitude game. Totally one of my goals this week.  I need to appreciate Arkansas. And I need to appreciate Nauvoo.  

And housekeeping stuff. I'm definitely going to have a shorter time emailing in Nauvoo. So I don't want you to cut down on your emails at all. But I'm just going to have to respond differently. like maybe through the normal mail. gross. or maybe I'll print off your lengthier emails and respond in the next week. I dunno. It'll work out. I'll see you guys soon enough anyways. And maybe I'll get better at journaling and just email you my journal entries, and be faster some how. By the grace of God. 

Ok, Love you! 

Love, Rachel

Spiritual Promptings: Make of them what you will

Hey Family!

You think with only a week and a half left here I'd calm down a little about missionary work or something. Not completely be feeling all torn up about it. But no.  Still stressin. One of the days that I was worrying about everything, I was having a pretty clear prompting during studies to read the Teachings of David O. McKay book that was on my desk. It was a pretty clear prompting. Like most promptings I get are not that clear. And not only that, but I knew I had to read a chapter about motherhood, of all things. I knew it. 

So then I did, and now I understand and appreciate motherhood on that much more of a spiritual level. This story doesn't sound like a big deal and I can't verbally communicate my newly found feelings, but just know that it is a big deal. The timing was right. And I think Heavenly Father was trying to tell me something about my missionary work and give me a specific kind of greater, eternal perspective. Man, missions are not what I thought they were. And I've grown in all the ways I never thought I would. 

Now, I want to tell you about Elder Smith. He is my district leader that just got transferred (away). I LOVE him!! He was the best! First of all, he has this girlfriend named Shelby who he's dead in love with (#eternalcompanions2016), so it was perfect because we could talk to he and his companion Elder Mathews (who I could write another essay on, I love him so) about anything and it wasn't weird because they were totally friend zoned in the best way possible. No weirdness or awkwardness at all. SO rare. 

He was sooo supportive and soo loving. He always built us up so much and we wanted to be better just because he totally believed in us and thought we were awesome. We knew all about his life, his love for Shelby, his friends, his family, his conversion. He knew all about our lives. It was the perfect sister-district leader relationship. We knew it couldn't last. But we're going to be friends forever. Especially as I'm planning on being married before he comes home so we can be couple friends together, because that's really the only way that would work out. 

I just can't believe how many people there are in the world to love. It never ceases to amaze me. 

Well, I love you all, too! 

Love Rachel

PS The funniest/worst thing happened this past week and a half. So S.Wilk and I are trying to find a referral but we only have the building number and not the apartment number. So I get this prompting to go to one of the numbers and this small, crazy haired man opens the door, then says, "Just a minute," and shuts the door. Sister Wilkins looks at me and says, "Way to follow the Spirit, Sister Ross." But then she has to eat her words because he lets us in (we had a member with us) and he totally has a lot of interest! 

Then we have another lesson with him and we start to get the creep vibe. So we give him to the elders. It's all good right? No. He gives me this special attention that makes me feel highly uncomfortable and it keeps happening. Yesterday at church was the worst. I don't want to go into detail because it makes me feel unwell. But yeah, get out of my bubble and no, you don't distract me, Dean!  

So he was hanging around after church trying to come "observe" our ward correlation meeting. And then the elders and went and talked to him. And had to give him the smack down. "No Dean, she doesn't like you." Ughhhhhh echhhhh chweaje;fljiawo4efij      

Sister Wilkins and I felt soooo awful yesterday. Just thoroughly creeped out and so paranoid that he'd be around any corner. We still can't get it off our minds completely. It's just so weird. He's like 50. askfd;aijef'aowejf as;faw;eiojf

So then "Way to follow the Spirit, Sister Ross," became double-y ironic. In this respect, it's a dang good thing I'm leaving soon. 

I needed to PS this because when I think about it I can't feel the Spirit very much so I didn't want it to ruin the vibe of my letter. 

"Listen to your creep-dar. . . CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS RIGHT!"--Sister Wilkins, who has been a great support through this whole thing