A pretty hard week but I feel pretty good about life so it's ok.

Hi family,

 

I don't have much to say this week on account of we walked everywhere and there were many miserable moments where we wanted to cry and die. Simply because we just walked for hours. Lesson learned from this "bike" week: we are not doing that again. Although at the time, there really seemed to be no other option. It's hard when you don't know the ward members. But all the ones I've met I've loved.

 

What I'm mainly working on right now in my life is balance. Namely, figuring out how to care about missionary work, but not care too much. #impossible

 

But really. More than once this week I got to that place where you just are wound so tightly emotionally and care so much with so little control that I just snapped (internally; I only wish I could be one of those people who just let loose and was allowed to just have their crazy moment. But alas, I'm far too socially indoctrinated for that) and was released of the care, but then also felt like I wasn't being as diligent as I could be, which starts the process all over again. I think, though,that I am slowly getting better. I can see now that it really is counterproductive to the work to feel so much responsibility, and be so emotionally wound into it. So I have to figure out how to be healthy without letting go. And let's face it, I couldn't let go if I tried. So I don't think that's going to be the problem.

 

It's funny though because this week, Sister Wilkins and I--and we have no idea how this happened--slept in until 8:30. That's like 2 hours. I haven't slept in at all, let alone until 8:30, in 10+ months. We have two alarms too. It was a tender mercy of the Lord, seeing as our bodies were super exhausted from all the walking. As much as that was the weirdest thing ever, it's also pretty incredible to say that that's the first time I've slept in in 10 months. The missionary life is pretty impressive to me.

 

We walked on the UALR campus (University of Arkansas Little Rock, "You-lurrr" "Yule-errr") thinking maybe we could reel in some college kids. Well think again. I forgot how unfriendly college life is sometimes. People acted so surprised when we even said hello. It was pretty hilarious. l laughed a lot.

 

Sister Wilkins is pretty funny, too, by the way. We appreciate a lot of the same hilarities of life. I really love all the missionaries we are around, too. It's so nice to be around good missionaries and to not feel so alone in the world. Really, a caring district leader makes a big difference.

 

Sorry, this letter is really scattered. There's not much to report on. Wait, oh my gosh, I'm so excited! We're going to the temple next week! I could die! I'm so happy. Also, transfers are next week, and I don't think I'm getting transfered, but who knows. I would be way sad. But then again, it's my last transfer in AR so maybe it would take the pressure off. But I love Little Rock. And Sister Wikins. And, again, all the other missionaries I work with.

 

Love you guys!

 

Love, Rachel

Livin on a Prayer

Hey family!

This week was chalk full of great and interesting experiences that hopefully I can explain.

First of all, we had the baptism of Stacey this week. Stacey was/is super solid right? No problems at all. Well, she had made a few comments in the past week concerning the baptism that she, "just wanted to get this over with," which is concerning, yes? When we tried to ask about specifics, we thought it was just a concern over the water thing. And she still definitely wanted to get baptized. Well, the day of, we exchange a few texts about the baptism and she sounds really negative. Then we get a text that says, "I'll let you know by 4 if I'm coming." What?! To the baptism? It's at 6! 

Needless to say the next few hours are stress filled while we wait for Stacey to get back to us, who is not answering calls or texts. Well she shows up at 5:30 ish but she's super upset, starts to cry, says she just wants this done, and doesn't know if she'll even show up on Sunday to get the Holy Ghost. So we're still super stressed out. Luckily, an older member (who had converted too, and was black too) showed up early to the baptism and was able to figure out the problem and talk with Stacey. It turns out Stacey's family just didn't support her at all about the baptism, which she wasn't expecting, and was telling her all this bad stuff about how her life would be as a Mormon. 

We had the baptism first, so that Stacey could feel calm about it afterwards, and then all the people who talked were just super inspired. I mean, normally you wouldn't think someone emphasizing about getting the Holy Ghost--and without it, the baptism being essentially useless--would be that inspired. But in this case it was! And the Spirit was strong and sitting next to Stacey, I just knew it was what she needed to hear. By the end of the baptism, Stacey was happy and smiling. And she came on Sunday and is super solid, once again! 

I also had a real life mormon.org chat lesson with someone I guess the missionaries have been seeing for years, even though he's completely faithless. Like, he says faith is the f-word in his house (the real f-word he uses without hesitation). So I was skeptical when sister Wilkins took me to this home of the point of visiting, but once you meet the guy, you totally understand. So he's black and he has an awesome, awesome very open personality. And he's so nice but he pretends like he's not and just is so down to talk/"debate" about how religion is dumb and you can't know that God exists. Well, atheists are my specialty on account of I know exactly how they feel. And also, I've dealt with them too many times to count on Mormon.org. So I know the circular logic that accompanies the faith argument, and I told Jeff so, and I cut to the chase. I told him this is not about those red herring issues he likes to bring up. This is about his belief in God. Which he has, by the way. I know it. His reasoning for not completely denying the existence of a greater being is the existence of the moon. How did it get there? He totally knows God exists. 

 Jeff was impressed with my intelligence. Atheists always are. And he totally loves me, I just know it. So the conversation was real, and intense, and I'm pretty sure an impact was made. More than normally is made with other missionaries. In the end, I asked if we could say a kneeling prayer and he refused. I think he is legitimately very insecure and is in a lot of denial. In the end, I said a very spirit-filled prayer with Sister Wilkins alone in their living room because Jeff literally could not handle it and left. He joked about the whole thing. He is a very jokey guy--not willing to acknowledge emotions or anything. But I just know the prayer thing was a big deal. Because he had to take an action. He had to acknowledge to himself that he couldn't handle prayer and had to choose to leave and not argue his way around it. Victory! I don't know where to go from here, but he so is on the brink. I even told him, "You're hungry. You're dying to have a relationship with God. And you know He's real." Which is true. So so true. Man, it was seriously one of the best experiences out here. I love the elect. Love em. But teaching the non-elect is just more of the kind of challenge I enjoy. Although you usually just have to drop the non elect pretty soon. 

I love the ward here. Sunday school is taught by this older black guy who just totally preaches his own philosophies. It's hilarious. I literally started cracking up and could not stop. It was bad. He says stuff like, "You got to resist temptation. I could leave my wife and kids for a night. Go to a club. Meet some nice lady. But you got to resist. What good's that gonna do? You may find each other attractive. You got to resist!" In a black person voice. Seriously, I die. Everyone in the class tries to reign it in and quote stuff in the manual. #bestwardever as Sister Wilkins would say. 

This area is great. I love it here! So many people to teach!

Love, Rachel 

When things are good, they are very very good, and when they are bad they are horrid.

Hey Family, 

Sorry I don't have many missionary stories to tell. I've never been a good story teller, and I feel like a liar telling stories anyways because everyone knows a "good story" is largely way more entertaining and even really story worthy after the fact, and in the moment, it's whatever. All the good, in the moment happenings make for uninteresting stories to tell. 

To be honest, I felt like the spiritual moments were more poignant in Nauvoo. Maybe more nuanced, but they felt more. . .effective? Influential? 

We've finished a transfer already. And Sister Reynolds and I are staying together in Greenbrier which is for the best, as we are on the brink of accomplishing some good things, but have yet to see a lot of results. We have yet to be able to meet with Kevin again. We set up some appointments but he hasn't been home. This has happened a lot with us.

We've been working with a 17 year old girl whose younger brothers got baptized somewhat recently but are now inactive. She is super sweet but their family is going through hard times--the single mom's only way to work, the car, broke down--and the mood is just super depressed whenever we go there. There's no hope there, and it's hard to know how to instill hope--that God is there, that He answers prayers--without there being any faith. And of course the family has trouble having faith because times are so hard. I guess that's the thing about faith. Sometimes you just have to act without really believing or having hope. A desire is really all it takes. But try to convey that to others--"You just need a desire! Oh, you don't have a desire . . .? Well, then you have to get one."  Hence, if your heart is soft, opposition in all things takes its role eventually, and your desire will grow. 

I had a very good prayer experience the other day. Some of the best experiences are prayer experiences, let me tell you. I was feeling awful and very in need of direction (I think that's one of my big problems these days--sensory overload. Too many weaknesses/problems/confusion in too many directions. I don't know where to start or what the core of my problem is, or how to approach it. What do I really need to improve on? Charity, humility, faith, gratitude, etc? Well, I've prayed for all of them--I don't know what else to do.) Anyways, so I pretty much started my prayer off asking for things because I just felt the need for so much direction. I realized, that later in life/eternity, I"ll probably be embarrassed at how whiny my prayers were, so I decided to just pray for things I was grateful for, even though I didn't want to. And soon enough, Heavenly Father gave me things to be thankful for that came to mind that made me feel happy. It doesn't happen all the time like that. But I'm taking the little things, and I've realized that I have enough faith and I just need to wait on the Lord's timing now. It's always worked out for me in the past. 

But you know, when things seem bad, it feels like they've always been bad. And vice versa. 

Ok, love you!

Love, Rachel

Welcome to the real world...

Hey fam,

P-day really is the worst day to write. I get in a weird place and can't accurately asses the situation. But oh well, it's the day alloted. 

Sister Reynolds and I have been working on talking to people more. It's something I knew we were lacking in all along, but we were able to get the mentality where we have actually internalized it and can find it doable. It feels good to talk to strangers about the gospel, actually. I find it quite enjoyable. 

We're still trying to find people to teach, which I guess every missionary is. You just feel like a failure when you can't find anybody. Really, I prefer the seed planting business because then there's no way to truly hold yourself to high expectations that are out of your control anyway (ie the agency of others). As compared to how you do when you are the only way people are going to get baptized in the area where you are, and if you aren't having any baptisms, well then that means that no one is getting baptized.  It's a tough psychological game that is exhausting. And then you questions yourself: how much is in my control? Am I not seeing success because I'm missing some key component that I somehow overlooked? Are my expectations too high? Are they not high enough? 

Anyways. We made a lot of appointments that fell through this week. (Also, the word "appointment" is quite a fancy/misleading word). So we knocked doors and talked to people. It seems like there are so many people who are almost ready, they have that interest, they're looking for something, and yet, it's not going to happen for them. At least not in the next while. And I can know this because if they were going to accept the gospel, it would be through us  because they are in our area. That's the rough part. Missionaries know how the story ends. Everyone has nice missionary work, seed planting stories. Do they ever turn into anything? Who knows.  I mean, it's the good part too. Missionaries see how the story ends. So when it ends well, that's obviously quite joyous. It's just disappointing to see so many dashed hopes. I guess I had too high of expectations for humanity? I thought more people would recognize the truth when they heard it?

Sorry, I hate to be a debbie downer. But that's the real world, yo. Also, it's the p-day funk.

Really though. I'm sure something good will happen in our area soon. It's bound to. I just don't know what I can do to get it there. Besides be the perfect missionary, which I am not.  

I'm searching for something uplifting. . . 

Well, we talked to this presh master named Kevin and he might be the elect. He had to cancel the appointment we made with him to visit his cousin/grandma? but we're meeting with him again tonight (hopefully) and if it goes well, then he'll totally be the elect. If it doesn't go well, well I don't want my tiny heart to be broken. . .so I'm trying not to pin all my hopes on dreams on this kid. Although he's too precious to not get baptized. 

Ok, I love you guys! 

Love, Rachel

Bike Week has been survived.

This week has been a good one. I am really appreciating Sister Reynolds these days. She's my first truly sassy companion, and I forgot what that was like (well....SP was a little sassy. ..:). She kind of reminds me of Gordy, to be honest. I can just say whatever ridiculous opinion I want and she'll just throw it back, and say something like (all the syllables exaggerated), "Sister Ross, you are so weird, how do you survive?" (if, for example, I don't like tootsie rolls) and I do the same to her. It's actually very enjoyable. If that makes sense.. . It's hard to get across.

 

The weather, aside from this very moment, when it's rainy and cold, has been relatively fantastic. I've barely started to need a coat.

 

We made it through the weeks on bike/foot. Slash, it is extremely unrealistic to not have a car here. It took us an hour to walk 2 miles at a decent pace, and we had to walk through somewhat rough (lots of bugs) terrain because there are no sidewalks here. And that was one of our closest people. Forget about hoping there are other people we could have made appointments with that lived near that home.

 

Being a missionary is the funniest thing. Honestly. If people even knew the types of people who were on missions--ie Sister Reynolds, they would so know the church is true. I see people eye us and probably they think we're religious weirdies, as makes sense. Let me tell you, Sister Reynolds is not that type. Yes, she has a strong testimony, but she ain't nobody's fool. She made fun of me for trick or treating after elementary school age. And for putting my laundry in a plastic bag ("You're just so at poverty's door that you can't afford the dollar ones at Wal Mart!" she mocks).

 

I miss the temple greatly. I will never ever not live somewhere within an hour of the temple. And I will go every week. Not having the temple has really made me appreciate taking the Sacrament because at least I have some covenants I can renew weekly. I never understood the importance of covenants before my mission (on account of going to the temple weekly in Nauvoo), and I can't fully explain it now, but they mean everything to me. And some people just don't get it. That's why they don't attend church. These are promises you are making to God. It's like the sweetest contract ever signed. In which you promise to do stuff (like mourn with those who mourn. .. oh man, so rough to try to love other people!) and God promises slash then is able to bless you beyond your own deserving. And those things you promise to do, like stand as a witness of God at all times, or live a consecrated life, bless you anyways, not to mention the other promised blessings. Really, it's a win-win-win situation.

 

And it's eternal perspective. Life is so much more then just living for the next temporary gain. These blessings are eternal. For you and your family.

 

Sorry, just a spheel I went off on.

 

Anyways, I'm psyched to go to the temple again, eventually. At least in April.

 

Love you!

 

Rachel

CSI: Arkansas--It's a thing

Fam bam, 

I am better these days. Sister Reynolds has a funny, sassy personality. She's reserved in the beginning, but everyone has to try to figure out how their personality fits in with being a missionary, and she worries a lot about offending people or being judged.

I am less discouraged but still wondering what "missionary work" looks like and feeling like I could potentially be doing it all wrong. . .? 

We don't have too many investigators right now. We're really trying to find some but that's easier said than done. And it's really all on the Lord's timing anyways, right?  

Arkansas is a crazy place. We received a referral for a home out in the back woods (there a lot of homes/trailers out in the back woods. . .people that don't want to be around other people, a lot of the  time). They had a dog the size of a lion guarding their house. No exaggeration. Along with some shetland ponies and other random animals. We couldn't get out of the car very far to knock on the door on account of the lion-dog but we've been several times and nobody's seemed to be home. Typical. Typical.

I've come up with a great idea, by the way. It's called CSI: Arkansas. There would only be too much material to work with. But probably the crimes wouldn't be legitimate enough. 

We have been able to talk with a lot of less actives though. So many have a testimony, know it's all true, and yet, don't go to church. I really don't get it. That mentality in and of itself is pretty discouraging since I'm not used to it but we've had some good spiritual moments and just hope to give them a glimpse of that gospel light, and renew their desire to come to church. 

This upcoming week is bike week. We're on a car share with 3 other sets of missionaries. We fortunately get a car 3 out of 4 weeks, but this week might kill us. I have no qualms whatsoever with riding a bike. But the only way to get anywhere here in Greenbrier is on the highway. On which we can't ride our bikes. So we're really depending on the members to cart us around. . .to go find people? I'm not really sure how it's going to work. 

Ok, I love you all!

Love, Rachel

I'm definitely in Arkansas.

Hi family! 

Well I'm definitely in Arkansas. 

My companion is Sister (Mallory--for Holly's fb stalking purposes) Reynolds, and we are opening up a new area (for sisters). Our area is called Choctaw (The Choctaw ward) and we live in a town called Greenbriar. It has been quite the experience. This is my companions third transfer (almost 4 months--she just finished training) and she's totally obedient and ready to work, so that's quite a plus. Not a crazy, which is good. 

We are sharing our area with Elders, who have been very great, very helpful at giving us referrals, telling us about people to go to, etc.  I guess the ward we are in has been looking forward to getting sisters for months. There are a lot of people that are much easier for us to visit (on account of the extra needed person of the same gender as the missionaries rule) and the young women I guess have just been so enthusiastic about missionary work in general and getting sisters. I thought the utter adoration of sister missionaries would end when we left Nauvoo but this ward is very supportive of us. 

There are a ton of less actives and recent converts and part member families for us to visit. Almost all of the recent converts no longer come to church.  We were able to find a less active 15 year old girl who had gotten baptized last year as we were trying to find another recent convert less active. She was such a sweet girl, and it was clear that she had felt the spirit while being taught, but did not truly understand the tenets of the gospel. We are going to try and teach her and her non-member family.  

Like I was saying, there are some great supportive and very missionary minded members here, which really helps. They are truly consecrated--ready to give of their time and resources (including just letting us teach in their house or business whenever we want). 

I don't really know how to describe the socioeconomic status here. We've visited a lot of trailers and tiny apartments. And there is just stuff all over people's yards here. Not everyone's of course. And there are just groups of dogs that kind of run around and follow you as you try to back your companion out of the drive way/road. I already have some teeth marks in my orange skirt (it was a friendly pulling of the skirt, not anything vicious).

People here are really into Jesus. I kind of don't really understand their fervor. I mean, the Atonement is central to God's plan but the way they talk about HIm just confuses me. I think they--they being a very generalizing term; just the people I've talked with so far for the most part--kind of lump everything spiritual or religious into just being about having Jesus in your heart.  I think it will be cool to build my own testimony of the Savior by seeing the beliefs out there and having to really hone in on my own. 

I love missionary work. I love knocking on people's doors and having an honest moment for the first time in society's life. It's fantastic-ly real. Although we don't do too much tracting here, at least we haven't done too much so far. And in this mission, we call it "spiritual harvesting" ha ha 

We only go to doors we feel prompted to. And sometimes we offer to say a prayer of peace and blessing over the home (where am I?) and people here are cool with it because they love Jesus. It's nice though because as weirded out as I would be if someone came to my door and offered to pray, it does bring the Spirit, and helps them see that we are just Jesus followers like them and not of the devil. And then maybe their hearts are softened and they'll listen to our message? 

There aren't too many black people in this specific area, by the way. #don'ttellmesegregationisn'tathing 

Ok, I love you! I think I've covered most everything important. 

Love, Rachel