God answers prayers: Lesson re-learned for the millionth time

Hello Family!

I am in particularly good spirits today!  I've been feeling in a fog of weird emotions for quite some time now (imagine PMSing for a month, where normally, you're like, "I think I have depression" and then two hours later you're like, "Nope, I'm good," except for off and on for a month) but I really think I'm turning a corner and am going to be fine.  There were events leading up to this, and particularly this week.  I think the pivotal moment was actually yesterday when we were practicing singing "We'll Bring the World His Truth" (Army of Helaman song) and I just felt so many things.  I mean, yes this song is normally good, but this was a particularly poignant moment.  I was able to get those feelings and desires that I had originally in going on a mission, and I was able to remember all the reasons that I want to be here and am so lucky and excited for it.  

This leads me to the concept of God answering prayers, on account of me not feeling like my prayers were being answered, or like I could really feel God's presence/love/etc., for some time.  As we've been on chat during the evenings, these people keep wanting immediate answers that will quickly persuade them to (or against) Mormonism, and that's just not how it works.  I have, and am learning, that God answers our prayers in the time that is best for us.  Yes, getting an initial answer right away would be "easier" except it wouldn't be at all, because the next time we would have the same amount of sufficiency at being able to learn (which wouldn't be very much) and we would be weaker for it, not as spiritually strong.  I know Heavenly Father does answer prayers. I know it.  And I know He does it in the time and in the way that is perfect for us.  If we knew better (but we can't because we literally don't have that God-ly perspective on our lives), we wouldn't want our answers to be given to us on a silver platter.  We'd keep needing platters, and we wouldn't have faith in anything.  

Anyways.   Fun surprise yesterday, that's for sure.  We were in Carthage (because on Sundays the Carthage sisters come to Nauvoo and some of us go up there) and Sis. Garner and I are outside of the jail giving the beginning part of the tour.  Sister Garner is talking and who do I see walking out of the parking lot? Opa and Sue!  Well, I was like a deer in the headlights.  Sister Garner finished talking and was waiting for me to say something, and I just turned to her (in front of the tour), dazed, and said, "My grandparents are here. . . "  

Luckily, after I gave the tour, I was able to partner up with the Senior Sister who was giving their tour.  Imagine teaching and testifying about the martyrdom of Joseph Smith in front of your non-Mormon grandparents.  Fun times! 

It was so cool to see them and have this surreal combining of real world and mission world.  

Also, we had a special tour/testimony meeting in Carthage on the day of the commemoration of the martyrdom that was really powerful. 

Also, I talked with this sweet kid from Taiwan for quite some time, and he took a picture with me.  Presh! Brings me back to the chinese foreign exchange student days.  I guess you could say I was prepared for him.   

Also, I am wearing contacts for the first time today. Hallelujah.  

Ok, I love you!  And I'm excited to see you!!

Love, Rachel

June 24, 2013

Well family, I'm really drawing a blank on what happened this week.  

I just went to my last eye appointment this morning! I'm all good to go (unless it starts to bother me again, in which case, call them as soon as possible).  

Did you guys watch that broadcast last night? Pretty sweet cameo of the Michael Watkins, eh?  I hope it got you all pumped for member missionary work.  I never really got how important the members are until I was in the MTC as a missionary.   

Vocal Point has been in town doing their shows. We got to watch it one night, and yes, it is quite a perk of being here in Nauvoo. Did I tell you guys that the BYU folk dance team was here as well and we got to watch them also? I meant to tell you, anyway--they are amazing.  

It's weird here because I feel like I have to start over as a missionary every day, in some ways.  I start off with all new people that come here, and some times when you haven't really had a good conversation with anyone that day, it feels like you're failure as a missionary.  I was having one of those days on Wednesday, I think. But, in the last hour of the Visitor's Center, I was able to talk to this recent high school graduate and his family--but mostly him. And we had a really good conversation, just about different things.   It's so nice to have those because it proves to me that I can connect with people, that I don't have to force gospel conversations upon everyone.  Really, just because someone is a member does not mean they are willing to talk about spiritual things. I think it's a really interesting phenomena. 

 And then the next day I was in a site and his family found me and got my email and told me I was one of the favorite missionaries they've known!  How sweet, huh? And he thanked me for our conversation and said he really needed it.  

And then another day, I was in a site that normally gets a decent amount of tours, and we had no one for almost three hours.  Instead, I was able to talk to the senior sister there and we had a really good conversation.  I mean, it wasn't just a "well, no one's here, so I guess we'll 'get to know each other'" kind of conversation. It was like we really wanted to talk.  It's so nice to be treated like a peer by a senior. I mean, they are all super sweet to us and think the world of us, but it's hard to really feel like they have an investment in what I have to say, and that they sincerely want to specifically tell me what they have to say. You know, like a real friendship of peers?

So it was very divinely providential that we had no tours and I was able to talk to her.  

But really, I love being a missionary in Nauvoo. It's super great!  I love all the sisters here.  I love them all as if they weren't friends of circumstance.  I don't ever want to live anywhere again that isn't a house with 15 girls.  Except for an apartment with my husband. I would accept that as a suitable replacement.  

Ok, love you!

Love, Rachel

Making new friends in all the unexpected places.

Hey Family!

Guess who I saw at the VC this week! TJ!! I'm grabbing something in my bag over on the side, I turn around, and there he is. "Hi!" Well, I was quite joyous.  And his family was there too. His grandfather is an active member but I'm not sure about his parents. I think his mom is inactive from quite some time ago.  She got to see me be extremely enthusiastic about her child.  I hope he comes back--he knows where to find me. 

Later that same day, Sister Garner decide to walk home from the VC for the night which we have never done before or since. But guess who's just chillin on her porch, enjoying the evening?  TJ's mom! So we got to talk to her for a while, and she's a nice lady. And that also means we found where TJ lives (not to be creepy or anything. . .)--right down the street!! Coincidence? I think not! 

So, this really funny thing happened starting Thursday night and continuing on to the present time. I got this eye infection thing. . . . I went to a doctor in Keokuk (where the Wal-Mart is; the big leagues, so to speak) and got diagnosed with a corneal ulcer.  Don't freak out now.  I explained the past Colin situation and tried not to blurt out "my mom will sue if you misdiagnose me and I go blind in my left eye like he did!"  But really, they are the most competent seeming doctors I've ever spent 15 minutes with, so I'm going to be fine.  Also, I got a blessing from President Gilliland, and I'm really going to be fine.

It's a good thing this has already happened. I've already got all the eye jokes going for me.  The depth perception, etc. But it's too bad you aren't here Holly. Every time I go outside I have to clutch my eye and try and cover it with my hair (on account of the sunlight). It's quite the scene.  It puts a whole new meaning to "Don't look at me, I'm hideous!" --I've used that several times.  For some reason, my eye makes the sisters think I'm quite adorable or something.  I think it's the level of pathetic-ness that it has brought me to. See, it's not just me--everybody loves a good cripple. 

Because of my precarious situation, Sister Garner and I have been on chat for the last few days. (The Eye has turned me into a veritable Sister Jekyll Rachel Hyder--I am quite the 19th century British literature character.) It's been really good, I think.

I guess we've proved ourselves to the chat spirits that be, because we've finally been able to have some quality conversations on there.  We had this really intense one that was two hours long with this awesome guy who was full of good questions.  And this other girl who wants to go back to church and hasn't gone for years. 

I've needed this change up of missionary style and life circumstances.  It's made me appreciate what I had with being on the VC floor, and it's stripped me of my over-anal quest to continually be a better missionary to the point of emotional exhaustion (not to mention the angst--oh the angst).

Life is good. Sister Garner is so good. Love you all!

Love,

Rachel

PS Oh yeah, we gave this tour to this super awesome British couple--he was a member, she wasn't.  They were super cool, and the Spirit was strong, and I'm excited for their future.

PPS "Look at how red my eye is! And how puffy my eyelids are"  "That's not that puffy."  I've found there are still eye jokes that can be created.  

Vacation Bible School, The Youths, etc.

Hey Fam,

Definitely running out of time today.  

We volunteered at Vacation Bible School this week. I reveled in the irony. I finally get to attend VBS--as it's come to be known--on my mission!  Sis. Garner and I were with the 5 year olds.  I liked them, selectively.  I made good friends with this kid named TJ and even taught him about how we are all children of our loving Heavenly Father, and that's why my name tag says Sister Ross. (He does not go to any church, btw)  "We're related TJ! We have the same father"  "Not our real father!" "No TJ, not our earthly father, but our father in heaven." Good times, good times.  We then proceeded to talk about our mutual love of dinosaurs, mainly in the form of the Jurassic Park movies. The conversation got quite passionate. Although he's pretty young to have watched Jurassic Park. . .

There were some large groups of youths that came into the VC this week.  Oh the youths.  Some really don't want to talk to you.  But there was this classy-town group of kids from the Alpine-American Fork-etc., Utah area, and Holly, let me tell you.  You want to marry one of them. There were all these boys who had just graduated from high school and lots of them had gotten their mission calls already and were so excited.  They really had interest in talking to me (all excited to be talking to a soon-to-be fellow missionary and all), and they were just like little men.  I am just so excited for this generation of missionaries!  The good ones are going to be way good.

And hey, I also connected really well with a non-teenage boy this week!  (Since in an ironic twist of events, that's who I end up having really good conversations with lots of the time.)  It was this girl/lady (she was 30--I don't know how to address that), and we really hit it off and had a great conversation.  I guess that's all I can say about it. . . but I swear, it was cool.

I love Sister Garner as my companion. She is totally my companion at this time for a reason.  The most obvious one being that we get in all the same moods.  "I'm not focused." "Neither am I!"   "Why am I so irritable? Why can't I find joy in the now?"  "I don't know, I'm struggling too! Let's work on it!" 

We always have good talks and good goals. Or at least, good efforts to make good goals.  We've been in a funk as of late, and I think I've pin pointed it down to the fact that I don't feel like I'm progressing.  It's hard in the VC because you don't get to see the progression of anyone you talk to, and you start at square one with everyone. So we're working on trying to have that sense of urgency and motivation in our mood.  We had a good talk with Sister Zibetti about it.  She suggested doing service everyday.  I love her.    

Thanks for the package mom! It was fun to see Patti and the Dumas family.

Love,

Rachel

An eternally significant week.

Family,

This week was a week of complete angst. Honestly, I guess if a companion isn't making me angsty, my hormones will.  But I had a few good experiences that made it so worth it. First of all, I had a spiritual epiphany about feeling the Spirit. I had finished a tour earlier and while I thought it should have been a situation in which I "felt" the Spirit, I hadn't--and it's happened to me with several tours. I was so concerned. Why don't I feel the Spirit? Is my heart not in it? Why isn't my heart in it? I'm giving it as much as I've got (which varies, btdubs, from day to day). And, I did receive promptings about what to say or who to talk to, etc. So obviously, the Spirit is in communication with me.  As I was nearly in tears going over this in my mind (because I've been trying so hard this week and it's been hard to try hard), all these thoughts came to me at once and I felt that burning in my heart sensation confirming the truth.  

Which is: for the sake of simplicity, let's just say the Spirit can be received in two main ways--through your mind/thoughts and through your feelings/emotions.  When people have thoughts they know are from the Spirit, they usually say "I felt like I should xyz. . . " but really, it's more of "I was impressed to .. . ", as that testimony meeting feeling isn't quite there.  The reason why I was notfeeling the Spirit is because my true, non-surface emotions have been used to being buried down deep from this past transfer, and are more difficult to access.  

I don't know if this is making sense, or seeming overly obvious, but I swear, it helped me piece together some missing understandings about my life. My freshman year at BYU I worried that I never felt the Spirit and I wondered what I was doing wrong. I was doing everything I was supposed to and then some because I was having a rather hard time emotionally. I always wondered why I wasn't able to feel the Spirit--until just now when I realized that I actually had through thoughts.  My emotions were simply so depressed--or pressed down, I guess--that I was not able to feel that burning of the heart, sometimes tearful kind of Spirit that I recognized as the main way to feel the Spirit.  

Of course, there is nothing bad about "feeling" or recognizing the Spirit through thoughts/the mind only, or maybe only emotion, but I would argue that, at least for myself, a mix of both is necessary to feel truly spiritually whole.  For example, I largely believe that music, and other audio-visual type of stuff is mostly a spiritual experience of the heart. The words may be touching or interesting, but the combination of words with music is something of the heart much more than the mind (which is why I hadn't been able to really have the spiritual feelings I normally have when listening to certain types of music). 

Maybe this is obvious. But I swear, just wait until you think you aren't feeling the Spirit even though you are doing what you're supposed to, or you have questions/doubts but you're still trying.  I've heard from psychologists that there is nothing wrong with being emotional, and it's even important, I just didn't realize it's spiritual significance until now. 

Second:

I had an interaction this week at the VC that felt eternal in importance.  There was this kid, and he looked like he might be gay, so of course I wanted to talk to him because of how much that matters to me and how it's a pretty hard life, especially for a teen.  I make a few side comments and eventually we get to really talking and he just comes out with everything.  He unhesitantly (chrome is telling me this is not a word) tells me he is gay (I think he's pretty publicly out), and kind of just all about his struggles with the church--largely just people's lack of acceptance towards him.  He says, "Wow, I just met you, I can't believe I'm telling you this," and "You're probably not the right person I should be telling this to. . .( I think on account of the sister missionary thing)" Oh. Oh, au contrair my friend. Little does he know I've pretty much been prepared since birth for this.  

The thing is, this kid is incredible. He's unbelievably self-actualized--especially for a gay Mormon teenager--and I can just feel the strength of his testimony and the strength of his character even though he might not realized it, as he doesn't  associate with the church. But really, I don't even know how to describe this seemingly small yet quite significant experience. I hardly said anything besides stuff like, "yeah, that's got to be so hard," and other such things. He doesn't even know that I sympathize beyond the average straight person capacity for his situation, and that I have thought and thought and worried and cried for hours on end about the difficulties of being gay, and that kind of thing.  So I got his email and then he left.  I thought so much about the experience afterwards.  I just knew he was gay, that I needed to talk to him, that we would get along. He didn't even question whether I would be accepting of him (and the ideas he put forth, which I am quite familiar with)--it's like he knew.  

Like all Visitor's Center experiences, what is to become of this? What is the eternal significance of it? I don't know.  But I know it was very powerful that he told me all the things about himself that he did, and that the Lord wanted me to meet him. 

Well, ok, those were the two important things, I would say. And they were very important, I think. Sister Garner is great. So loving, and we have great companionship study and great companionship goals. 

Love you!

Love, Rachel (ps, my name is becoming weird to me. Sister Ross is totally my new identity. which I accept)

Moving up in Nauvoo

Surprise!! 

My new "preparation" day is Monday so adjust your letter-email schedules accordingly. I know, it throws everything off. I got a new companion!! Her name is Sister Garner. I think I may have mentioned her before. She was part of the basement club (the four of us in the basement)--Sister Newell's companion. So we've lived with each other before. She is a total sweetheart. Very low key, and just nice.  And she's short too.  It's so nice to have short companions because then you don't have to be embarrassed by their freakish height. . .  lol jk sort of.  

And we've moved upstairs and we get our own room, and they aren't bunk beds and we have a fan. Also, Sister Newell is in the room next door (as Sister Ripplinger's comp) and Sister Petricek is in the other room upstairs in a threesome (on account of the new girl throwing off the even numbers--who is black, btdubs, and SP is jealous that she is no longer the only brown sister although I assured her that being Indian is quite different), which is going to be interesting. We're good friends now, and I think it's good that her main support group is upstairs with her. In fact, the whole basement club is upstairs. 

Sociable went well for the most part. We had some technical difficulties, which was a huge bummer. But the masses were still touched.  Mostly because of my role as opening prayer giver.  It's been getting much busier here, and the shows are starting up, and I think it's going to be a whole new place. Kind of like how I've heard people describe summer vs. fall at BYU.  

Let me tell you about the new best day of my life, which was Saturday.  Last minute, Sister Garner (who Sister Petricek nicknamed Uncle Garner) and I were assigned to separate places to work at, and I found myself at Brigham Young's home.  First of all, there was hardly a pause in the tours. It wasn't rushed at all but I barely sat down. It was perfect.  The best thing of all times was this couple that came in. 

I asked them what they knew about Brigham Young (which is a good way to figure out if they're members or not, so as to know how to present the material) and their answers were vague enough that I still couldn't tell. The Brigham Young tour is all about his testimony and how he gained it, and his faith in the prophet Joseph Smith, and then we use these cracked plates as an analogy of the Atonement, and it's pretty much just all spiritually based.  Which is good, of course, but can be difficult if you know the people aren't members and they are just expecting something different.  Anyways, I had no idea, so I go about saying some of the normal things.  It turns out they just arrived in Nauvoo and literally the BYH (he he, Brigham Young Home) was the first place they went. Not even to the Visitor's Center. I was the first person they'd met. Halfway through I finally just ask what their religious background is and and they're Lutheran, which is perfect because, hey, I went to a Lutheran school, and it was fun times (and I told them so). 

It's hard to describe much of what happened in that tour except for that it was a truly amazing experience. I said things I had never said to anyone before in any tours or anything like that, before I knew that they weren't members that I know was just purely from God to them.  I stayed up late thinking about it, and what made that tour so special. And I don't even know how to describe the feelings that were there or the relationship we had. It wasn't simply that we made a connection. You could see in their eyes that they weren't just listening, or just interested--there was something more.  Their hearts were so open, they were so soft.  And it was just like we were experiencing something in another sphere, another plane of human interaction that I haven't experienced before, at least not to this degree.  At least that's how I felt. Nice people abound here, but it was so much more than that.

So I gave them a guest card if they want to put down their information and learn more, and then they left. (PS they asked me good questions--"Does that mean that you have a prophet today?" Yes!!) And that's how it works here in Nauvoo.  

At the end of the day, I rated that day a 10. I don't think I've ever rated a day a ten in my life. (You know I'm not an absolutist.) Maybe a generous 9 and a half.  But that was a way good day.  

So yup. It's only been a weekend pretty much, so there will be more adventures to tell of my new life with Sister Garner next week! Thanks for the love and support!

Love, Rachel

Transfer Time. Also, time to be a star in Sociable.

Family!  

Tonight is transfers and we're all in a state of trying not to speculate what will happen, to downright analyzing each person's personality and current life circumstance as to better guess where they will be.  I would have to say that if this is my last day with Sister Petricek, then this transfer has ended up being a smashing success.  We are friends now.  She tenderly calls me Roz, her tender oozing blossom (from Monster's Inc.), and when she nicknames you, you know you're in. She says I've turned her into a softie.  Yay!  I know there will be lots of things I miss about her when we're not together because she's very real, and likes to have fun and be chill with people (as compared to attacking them on the spot when they enter the VC).  

The earlier part of this week has had some really great moments (the week being Thursday to Thursday).  On Sunday, we were actually assigned to be outside of the temple to talk to anybody who was out there looking around with interest, a la Temple Square.  There wasn't too much out there, but towards the end of our time, there was a couple taking pictures, and it is quite convenient to be there and offer to take a picture of whoever is there. We joke that that's what we learned our last week in the MTC--picture taking. And learning how to answer "Where are you from?" in exciting new ways.  Let me tell you, there is nothing I literally want to walk away from more than when someone asks a big group of us where we're from.  (Ok, that was an exaggeration.) Why does it matter?? Will you remember? No, no you won't.  

So anyways, there's this couple and they are not members, and it turns out that they have a  websitge -- gypsynesters.com, I think, that is all about empty nesters who travel. And they travel all around for the purposes of their website.  We didn't get to telling them too much about our specific beliefs, but I feel like it was a very spiritually led conversation.  They had to leave and I felt prompted to ask them if they'd been to Croatia--yes, of all the places, and that got them going on a whole other topic. They are seriously the coolest, nicest people--I do not know them, but I love them dearly.  The man had been in this band when he was younger--something like fishheads and rice--does this sound familiar dad? I guess he said they played mostly in Europe.  Ugh, they were so awesome and you could tell they had a lot of the values and priorities that we do.  I gave them a guest card and Sister Petricek gave them a temple pamphlet. I don't really know what the significance of that whole experience was about but I do know it was, in a different way than normally perceived, full of the Spirit.  

On Monday, we were working in Land and Records for the first time, and it was like the best day of my life.  Land and Records is where people go when they have ancestors who came through here and they can see files on them with historical information and different stories (if they exist) and where they lived if they owned property.  I actually learned some hardcore stuff about historical documentation and whatnot.  It was so fun.  And, I don't know what it is about Land and Records that makes it such a relaxed environment that people just want to talk to you, but I had two very real conversations we these girls--both from BYU-I that went fairly deep.  They were both my age and we talked about missions and spiritual decisions (they were totally separate convos too).  Very interesting.

Our Sociable is this week!  Everyone treats it like the biggest deal ever. I'm just excited to be a (non-star) star.  Just kidding sort of.  You know, the seniors love us, and when we do stuff (likeanything), they love us even more.  For example, in last week's training (with all of the non-temple missionaries), I played a nine-year old in the role play about giving tours to the youngest person in the group.  I put my hair in pigtails and I had a big flower thing.  Ever since then, I am always greeted by different seniors as "You make a great 8 year old," "You were such a cute 12 year old," etc. (Guaranteed it's a different age every time.) It was a brilliant move on President/Sister Gilliland's part to have me play that role to allow the other seniors to get to know me better. Now I think I remind them even more of their grandchildren, and they feel natural inclinations towards loving me, which I accept.    

Also, if you want to cause a real riot here, where different colored socks to District Meeting.  (I still don't get the Zone-District thing quite because it's different here, but our district meeting has seniors in it and SP and I are the only young sister missionaries (and the best is when they call us young single missionaries--"you don't know that!")).  I took off my boots and had on one black sock and one white and it was the talk of the meeting. I've worn much more mismatched socks before. That was nothing. 

Anyways, this week will bring lots of change no matter what happens so I may be emailing next week in a state of agony. Actually I seriously doubt that. Of what I know, I pretty much love every single sister here. Some I know more than others, but I really get along with them all (and very well, I would say).  

Ok, I love you!

Love, Rachel

PS I found the female version of Kaden Taylor. Her name is Sister Openshaw and she's in her 70s. She's quite a dear. 

***Rachel's favorite band is now The Lower Lights, and she wanted me to post her favorite song from them, I Saw the Light (be warned, it's more folk-y than one could anticipate):

 http://thelowerlights.bandcamp.com/track/i-saw-the-light