Vacation Bible School, The Youths, etc.

Hey Fam,

Definitely running out of time today.  

We volunteered at Vacation Bible School this week. I reveled in the irony. I finally get to attend VBS--as it's come to be known--on my mission!  Sis. Garner and I were with the 5 year olds.  I liked them, selectively.  I made good friends with this kid named TJ and even taught him about how we are all children of our loving Heavenly Father, and that's why my name tag says Sister Ross. (He does not go to any church, btw)  "We're related TJ! We have the same father"  "Not our real father!" "No TJ, not our earthly father, but our father in heaven." Good times, good times.  We then proceeded to talk about our mutual love of dinosaurs, mainly in the form of the Jurassic Park movies. The conversation got quite passionate. Although he's pretty young to have watched Jurassic Park. . .

There were some large groups of youths that came into the VC this week.  Oh the youths.  Some really don't want to talk to you.  But there was this classy-town group of kids from the Alpine-American Fork-etc., Utah area, and Holly, let me tell you.  You want to marry one of them. There were all these boys who had just graduated from high school and lots of them had gotten their mission calls already and were so excited.  They really had interest in talking to me (all excited to be talking to a soon-to-be fellow missionary and all), and they were just like little men.  I am just so excited for this generation of missionaries!  The good ones are going to be way good.

And hey, I also connected really well with a non-teenage boy this week!  (Since in an ironic twist of events, that's who I end up having really good conversations with lots of the time.)  It was this girl/lady (she was 30--I don't know how to address that), and we really hit it off and had a great conversation.  I guess that's all I can say about it. . . but I swear, it was cool.

I love Sister Garner as my companion. She is totally my companion at this time for a reason.  The most obvious one being that we get in all the same moods.  "I'm not focused." "Neither am I!"   "Why am I so irritable? Why can't I find joy in the now?"  "I don't know, I'm struggling too! Let's work on it!" 

We always have good talks and good goals. Or at least, good efforts to make good goals.  We've been in a funk as of late, and I think I've pin pointed it down to the fact that I don't feel like I'm progressing.  It's hard in the VC because you don't get to see the progression of anyone you talk to, and you start at square one with everyone. So we're working on trying to have that sense of urgency and motivation in our mood.  We had a good talk with Sister Zibetti about it.  She suggested doing service everyday.  I love her.    

Thanks for the package mom! It was fun to see Patti and the Dumas family.

Love,

Rachel

An eternally significant week.

Family,

This week was a week of complete angst. Honestly, I guess if a companion isn't making me angsty, my hormones will.  But I had a few good experiences that made it so worth it. First of all, I had a spiritual epiphany about feeling the Spirit. I had finished a tour earlier and while I thought it should have been a situation in which I "felt" the Spirit, I hadn't--and it's happened to me with several tours. I was so concerned. Why don't I feel the Spirit? Is my heart not in it? Why isn't my heart in it? I'm giving it as much as I've got (which varies, btdubs, from day to day). And, I did receive promptings about what to say or who to talk to, etc. So obviously, the Spirit is in communication with me.  As I was nearly in tears going over this in my mind (because I've been trying so hard this week and it's been hard to try hard), all these thoughts came to me at once and I felt that burning in my heart sensation confirming the truth.  

Which is: for the sake of simplicity, let's just say the Spirit can be received in two main ways--through your mind/thoughts and through your feelings/emotions.  When people have thoughts they know are from the Spirit, they usually say "I felt like I should xyz. . . " but really, it's more of "I was impressed to .. . ", as that testimony meeting feeling isn't quite there.  The reason why I was notfeeling the Spirit is because my true, non-surface emotions have been used to being buried down deep from this past transfer, and are more difficult to access.  

I don't know if this is making sense, or seeming overly obvious, but I swear, it helped me piece together some missing understandings about my life. My freshman year at BYU I worried that I never felt the Spirit and I wondered what I was doing wrong. I was doing everything I was supposed to and then some because I was having a rather hard time emotionally. I always wondered why I wasn't able to feel the Spirit--until just now when I realized that I actually had through thoughts.  My emotions were simply so depressed--or pressed down, I guess--that I was not able to feel that burning of the heart, sometimes tearful kind of Spirit that I recognized as the main way to feel the Spirit.  

Of course, there is nothing bad about "feeling" or recognizing the Spirit through thoughts/the mind only, or maybe only emotion, but I would argue that, at least for myself, a mix of both is necessary to feel truly spiritually whole.  For example, I largely believe that music, and other audio-visual type of stuff is mostly a spiritual experience of the heart. The words may be touching or interesting, but the combination of words with music is something of the heart much more than the mind (which is why I hadn't been able to really have the spiritual feelings I normally have when listening to certain types of music). 

Maybe this is obvious. But I swear, just wait until you think you aren't feeling the Spirit even though you are doing what you're supposed to, or you have questions/doubts but you're still trying.  I've heard from psychologists that there is nothing wrong with being emotional, and it's even important, I just didn't realize it's spiritual significance until now. 

Second:

I had an interaction this week at the VC that felt eternal in importance.  There was this kid, and he looked like he might be gay, so of course I wanted to talk to him because of how much that matters to me and how it's a pretty hard life, especially for a teen.  I make a few side comments and eventually we get to really talking and he just comes out with everything.  He unhesitantly (chrome is telling me this is not a word) tells me he is gay (I think he's pretty publicly out), and kind of just all about his struggles with the church--largely just people's lack of acceptance towards him.  He says, "Wow, I just met you, I can't believe I'm telling you this," and "You're probably not the right person I should be telling this to. . .( I think on account of the sister missionary thing)" Oh. Oh, au contrair my friend. Little does he know I've pretty much been prepared since birth for this.  

The thing is, this kid is incredible. He's unbelievably self-actualized--especially for a gay Mormon teenager--and I can just feel the strength of his testimony and the strength of his character even though he might not realized it, as he doesn't  associate with the church. But really, I don't even know how to describe this seemingly small yet quite significant experience. I hardly said anything besides stuff like, "yeah, that's got to be so hard," and other such things. He doesn't even know that I sympathize beyond the average straight person capacity for his situation, and that I have thought and thought and worried and cried for hours on end about the difficulties of being gay, and that kind of thing.  So I got his email and then he left.  I thought so much about the experience afterwards.  I just knew he was gay, that I needed to talk to him, that we would get along. He didn't even question whether I would be accepting of him (and the ideas he put forth, which I am quite familiar with)--it's like he knew.  

Like all Visitor's Center experiences, what is to become of this? What is the eternal significance of it? I don't know.  But I know it was very powerful that he told me all the things about himself that he did, and that the Lord wanted me to meet him. 

Well, ok, those were the two important things, I would say. And they were very important, I think. Sister Garner is great. So loving, and we have great companionship study and great companionship goals. 

Love you!

Love, Rachel (ps, my name is becoming weird to me. Sister Ross is totally my new identity. which I accept)

Moving up in Nauvoo

Surprise!! 

My new "preparation" day is Monday so adjust your letter-email schedules accordingly. I know, it throws everything off. I got a new companion!! Her name is Sister Garner. I think I may have mentioned her before. She was part of the basement club (the four of us in the basement)--Sister Newell's companion. So we've lived with each other before. She is a total sweetheart. Very low key, and just nice.  And she's short too.  It's so nice to have short companions because then you don't have to be embarrassed by their freakish height. . .  lol jk sort of.  

And we've moved upstairs and we get our own room, and they aren't bunk beds and we have a fan. Also, Sister Newell is in the room next door (as Sister Ripplinger's comp) and Sister Petricek is in the other room upstairs in a threesome (on account of the new girl throwing off the even numbers--who is black, btdubs, and SP is jealous that she is no longer the only brown sister although I assured her that being Indian is quite different), which is going to be interesting. We're good friends now, and I think it's good that her main support group is upstairs with her. In fact, the whole basement club is upstairs. 

Sociable went well for the most part. We had some technical difficulties, which was a huge bummer. But the masses were still touched.  Mostly because of my role as opening prayer giver.  It's been getting much busier here, and the shows are starting up, and I think it's going to be a whole new place. Kind of like how I've heard people describe summer vs. fall at BYU.  

Let me tell you about the new best day of my life, which was Saturday.  Last minute, Sister Garner (who Sister Petricek nicknamed Uncle Garner) and I were assigned to separate places to work at, and I found myself at Brigham Young's home.  First of all, there was hardly a pause in the tours. It wasn't rushed at all but I barely sat down. It was perfect.  The best thing of all times was this couple that came in. 

I asked them what they knew about Brigham Young (which is a good way to figure out if they're members or not, so as to know how to present the material) and their answers were vague enough that I still couldn't tell. The Brigham Young tour is all about his testimony and how he gained it, and his faith in the prophet Joseph Smith, and then we use these cracked plates as an analogy of the Atonement, and it's pretty much just all spiritually based.  Which is good, of course, but can be difficult if you know the people aren't members and they are just expecting something different.  Anyways, I had no idea, so I go about saying some of the normal things.  It turns out they just arrived in Nauvoo and literally the BYH (he he, Brigham Young Home) was the first place they went. Not even to the Visitor's Center. I was the first person they'd met. Halfway through I finally just ask what their religious background is and and they're Lutheran, which is perfect because, hey, I went to a Lutheran school, and it was fun times (and I told them so). 

It's hard to describe much of what happened in that tour except for that it was a truly amazing experience. I said things I had never said to anyone before in any tours or anything like that, before I knew that they weren't members that I know was just purely from God to them.  I stayed up late thinking about it, and what made that tour so special. And I don't even know how to describe the feelings that were there or the relationship we had. It wasn't simply that we made a connection. You could see in their eyes that they weren't just listening, or just interested--there was something more.  Their hearts were so open, they were so soft.  And it was just like we were experiencing something in another sphere, another plane of human interaction that I haven't experienced before, at least not to this degree.  At least that's how I felt. Nice people abound here, but it was so much more than that.

So I gave them a guest card if they want to put down their information and learn more, and then they left. (PS they asked me good questions--"Does that mean that you have a prophet today?" Yes!!) And that's how it works here in Nauvoo.  

At the end of the day, I rated that day a 10. I don't think I've ever rated a day a ten in my life. (You know I'm not an absolutist.) Maybe a generous 9 and a half.  But that was a way good day.  

So yup. It's only been a weekend pretty much, so there will be more adventures to tell of my new life with Sister Garner next week! Thanks for the love and support!

Love, Rachel

Transfer Time. Also, time to be a star in Sociable.

Family!  

Tonight is transfers and we're all in a state of trying not to speculate what will happen, to downright analyzing each person's personality and current life circumstance as to better guess where they will be.  I would have to say that if this is my last day with Sister Petricek, then this transfer has ended up being a smashing success.  We are friends now.  She tenderly calls me Roz, her tender oozing blossom (from Monster's Inc.), and when she nicknames you, you know you're in. She says I've turned her into a softie.  Yay!  I know there will be lots of things I miss about her when we're not together because she's very real, and likes to have fun and be chill with people (as compared to attacking them on the spot when they enter the VC).  

The earlier part of this week has had some really great moments (the week being Thursday to Thursday).  On Sunday, we were actually assigned to be outside of the temple to talk to anybody who was out there looking around with interest, a la Temple Square.  There wasn't too much out there, but towards the end of our time, there was a couple taking pictures, and it is quite convenient to be there and offer to take a picture of whoever is there. We joke that that's what we learned our last week in the MTC--picture taking. And learning how to answer "Where are you from?" in exciting new ways.  Let me tell you, there is nothing I literally want to walk away from more than when someone asks a big group of us where we're from.  (Ok, that was an exaggeration.) Why does it matter?? Will you remember? No, no you won't.  

So anyways, there's this couple and they are not members, and it turns out that they have a  websitge -- gypsynesters.com, I think, that is all about empty nesters who travel. And they travel all around for the purposes of their website.  We didn't get to telling them too much about our specific beliefs, but I feel like it was a very spiritually led conversation.  They had to leave and I felt prompted to ask them if they'd been to Croatia--yes, of all the places, and that got them going on a whole other topic. They are seriously the coolest, nicest people--I do not know them, but I love them dearly.  The man had been in this band when he was younger--something like fishheads and rice--does this sound familiar dad? I guess he said they played mostly in Europe.  Ugh, they were so awesome and you could tell they had a lot of the values and priorities that we do.  I gave them a guest card and Sister Petricek gave them a temple pamphlet. I don't really know what the significance of that whole experience was about but I do know it was, in a different way than normally perceived, full of the Spirit.  

On Monday, we were working in Land and Records for the first time, and it was like the best day of my life.  Land and Records is where people go when they have ancestors who came through here and they can see files on them with historical information and different stories (if they exist) and where they lived if they owned property.  I actually learned some hardcore stuff about historical documentation and whatnot.  It was so fun.  And, I don't know what it is about Land and Records that makes it such a relaxed environment that people just want to talk to you, but I had two very real conversations we these girls--both from BYU-I that went fairly deep.  They were both my age and we talked about missions and spiritual decisions (they were totally separate convos too).  Very interesting.

Our Sociable is this week!  Everyone treats it like the biggest deal ever. I'm just excited to be a (non-star) star.  Just kidding sort of.  You know, the seniors love us, and when we do stuff (likeanything), they love us even more.  For example, in last week's training (with all of the non-temple missionaries), I played a nine-year old in the role play about giving tours to the youngest person in the group.  I put my hair in pigtails and I had a big flower thing.  Ever since then, I am always greeted by different seniors as "You make a great 8 year old," "You were such a cute 12 year old," etc. (Guaranteed it's a different age every time.) It was a brilliant move on President/Sister Gilliland's part to have me play that role to allow the other seniors to get to know me better. Now I think I remind them even more of their grandchildren, and they feel natural inclinations towards loving me, which I accept.    

Also, if you want to cause a real riot here, where different colored socks to District Meeting.  (I still don't get the Zone-District thing quite because it's different here, but our district meeting has seniors in it and SP and I are the only young sister missionaries (and the best is when they call us young single missionaries--"you don't know that!")).  I took off my boots and had on one black sock and one white and it was the talk of the meeting. I've worn much more mismatched socks before. That was nothing. 

Anyways, this week will bring lots of change no matter what happens so I may be emailing next week in a state of agony. Actually I seriously doubt that. Of what I know, I pretty much love every single sister here. Some I know more than others, but I really get along with them all (and very well, I would say).  

Ok, I love you!

Love, Rachel

PS I found the female version of Kaden Taylor. Her name is Sister Openshaw and she's in her 70s. She's quite a dear. 

***Rachel's favorite band is now The Lower Lights, and she wanted me to post her favorite song from them, I Saw the Light (be warned, it's more folk-y than one could anticipate):

 http://thelowerlights.bandcamp.com/track/i-saw-the-light

I saw the light.

Hi family,

This week has been pretty darn good.  First of all I talked to you on Sunday, so that was that.  

On Monday, I gave a tour at the Visitor's Center to these three middle aged (like 50s, 60s?) Baptists, and it was so good! First of all, it's been rare to give legitimate tours, and secondly, to give them to non-members. I told them the whole First Vision and all about the Book of Mormon. We even talked about temples. Actually, when we were looking at the temple display thing I kind of felt impressed to point out the baptismal font (even though my natural instinct would definitely be to just skip it). I explained how we perform proxy baptisms for those who have died, and they have the choice to accept that or not. 

The lady (friendly-ly) said, "Now that's where we [our religions] have disagreements.  I believe baptism is a choice you should make when you are the proper age and know right from wrong. I believe it is an outward expression. . ." Me finishing, enthusiastically, "Of an inward commitment!!" She seemed pleased that I knew that philosophy and I assured her that what she was explaining was exactly what we believed, and that nobody is forced whatsoever.  It was a great tour.  She also held my hand at the Christus statue and told of her faith in Jesus Christ and how he led her by the hand when she was sick with cancer. Tears were in her eyes.  

So if I could just have one of those like everyday, that would be great. . . 

Also, they told the other senior missionary that I was charming! Look at that Mom--the Baptists think I'm charming! Yay! 

On Tuesday, we went to Nauvoo on the Road, where we go to an elementary school and give demonstrations. We were in charge of the games section.  You know, I ironically love kids, but it also kind of tears me to pieces.  I just watch them and want to intervene in their lives and make them make all the right choices. Many of them are going to grow up and go to jail and suffer from addictions and have eating disorders and feel like they aren't good enough and join gangs.  There's a scripture right? "Oh that I were an angel and could love-force all of the children into growing up and becoming productive and contributing citizens of the world" . . . something like that, yeah?  

Next week is transfers, and I may or may not change companions. We'll see. I have been really really blessed this week to be able to see Sister Petricek as the sweet inner child she really is, and just how much love and acceptance she needs. And also been blessed with the desire to want her to feel that from me.  

I realize I mentioned Sociable (the singing fireside we are putting on that is not this Sunday but next) on the phone but I haven't told you that much about it. I'm getting this weird reputation of being a strong singer (relatively speaking--we have a lot of strong singers), and also someone that can hit the high notes.  What? I mean, yes on the high notes, but still.  I actually think I channel all of my (literal) voice censorship into the singing, and it works out well. 

Sort of a tangent--my desire to learn how to play the banjo is also increasing. Already daydreaming of my cool hipster band that will sing church songs. . . lolz  

Which reminds me. Listen to the song "I saw the light" by the Lower Lights (maybe it's just my separation from normal music, but I'm starting to think it's my new favorite song).  Imagine driving/walking through wide open fields and a beautiful sky, and feeling the happiest you can possibly feel, and that's actually how I feel sometimes in good moments.  I don't know if the correct feelings will come across. But I love this land. Yes, I said that.  This literal land.  The midwest is so great. We got a glimpse of the first lightning bugs of the season!! 

I'm so mad at myself. I meant with all of my heart to send some pictures but I forgot to bring the device I need, so it will have to wait.  

Love you all!! Colin, write me! Even if you just type it and send it--I don't care if it's handwritten. Although I like when you draw pictures.

Love, Rachel

PS I am aware that some of my emotions might not be transferable through my weak writing and therefore are interpreted in maybe a "she's such a cheeseball" kind of way? Sore-y, don't judge

May 9, 2013

Hi Family,

This week has been all sorts of ups and downs.  Campanionship-wise, maybe the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  

So Sunday night was the big blow up.  And this time, my "I'm sorry, I'm trying really hard, just be patient with me"s and "I want to be obedient and I'm trying the best I can"s didn't work. So we were at a standstill and left it that way.  And I of course was on the verge of tears so I ran up stairs to the bathroom with the most privacy (oh so dramatic, I know).  But it was bad.  And Sister Ripplinger had come to the basement (and we were talking in the hall of the basement), so she knew what was going on.  And Sister Newell and Garner, our roommates, also probably knew what was going on. 

As I'm crying in great pain in the bathroom, Sis. Ripplinger and Newell knock and rush in and act all comforting and I've never cried that hard in front of non-family members. But they were so sweet.  Sis. Newell just kept saying, "Oh my gosh, you are so strong!"  She's so sweet.  She thinks quite highly of me. It's a great blessing.  

And Sister Ripplinger is there trying to comfort me with tears in her own eyes. Honestly, that in itself is comfort beyond words.

Somehow, despite the fact that I think both Sis. Petricek and I felt that all was lost, things worked out. She apologized.  We started kind of out new.  And we are being better at being friends, I think. It is interesting to come to understand Sis. Petricek.  I think the real reason she doesn't/didn't like me is because she didn't understand me because she felt like we weren't friends and I didn't need her.  So yeah, I guess everybody just needs to be loved. Not that I wasn't trying before, but I just have to try in the way she wants, which is based on her personality. So it's a work in progress but we are doing a lot better (as of today).  

Monday was maybe the best day ever. We went on a hand cart trek and we were put into groups and my group was perfection.  Sister Newell was the captain, if that tells you anything.  And the weather was perfect and it was the perfect amount of exercise and everything was great.  We were all given different pioneers and their stories that we would be on the trek (whom they had prayed about it in their choices) and my pioneer girl was just perfect for me.  And then we had a testimony meeting at the end that was great.  

Then we did some service and shoveled wood chips onto the landscaping.  I was able to speak with dear Sister Kim from South Korea, who had Sis. P for two transfers last summer. Sister Kim is kind of like our other foreign exchange students from Asia that were sweet, except she might win the prize. Although she does speak English well, so that helps.  Sister Kim almost went home during that time. She had the interview scheduled and everything.  She fasted every Sunday.  She said something along the lines of, "The outbound was hard. A lot of physical work, you get tired. It was easy. So easy. After this, everything will be easy."  And she told me about how she went to Alabama and the mission president there had prayed for a Korean sister to come and there was a family there that she needed to teach and how it's so worth it.  What a sweetheart, huh? She said I should come visit her in South Korea. #Asia2015 is now a thing.  

I was also able to talk with this adorable kid this week. He was just chillin with his grandparents in the VC, looking bored so I talked to him. He looked like he was about 15 but psyche! He's 17 and getting his mission call this week.  We had a great convo. He's from Huntington Beach and he was wearing a Dodgers hat so I pretended for a second that I knew what I was talking about concerning baseball (by bashing on the Dodgers, obvs). Then we just talked all about his testimony and experiences being a Mormon in high school.  The kid is strong. He's so sweet and eager, and he admitted that he doesn't know everything (concerning his testimony) but he knows enough. So he was definitely Preshmaster 1995, and I just can't believe that age group is going on missions. It's a like a big difference between graduating senior and college freshman.  

Oh yes, and I've made the goal of reading the Book of Mormon 6 times while on my mission. Which is going to be a stretch, but I think I can do it.  I'm psyched, scripture study has never been better.  

Ok, love you!

Love, Rachel

Real World Nauvoo

Hey Fam,

It's been a good week overall, whada ya know. I'm figuring out how to better be friends with Sister Petricek (because the way that I am normally friends with people does not work for her) and it's going alright.  

I went on companion exchanges with Sister Mother Teresa Zibetti on Monday and that was like a breath of fresh air. Just a blissful day of light-weightedness. 

Things are still slow but there have been some good moments.  For example, Kristen and Emma came! Surprise visit!  That was so fun to see them and talk to them and feel like a normal person but also still like a missionary.  And it was perfect timing too because nothing had been happening the whole day.

I was in the Visitor's Center on Tuesday, and so far that's mostly been an unsatisfactory experience for me simply because people come in, want to get their map or whatever, and leave.  They aren't really looking for a nice gospel chat.  But a member family came in and they had a teenage girl, and talking to teenagers is my jam, so I knew I had to make that happen (plus I did feel spiritually prompted, or maybe, obliged to do so).  

We ended up having a really good conversation, and we actually talked about some weightier spiritual things.  I described some past testimony challenges I've had and she said something about being there herself, and I don't know, I just felt the spirit really strongly, especially afterwards.  And, in fact, she came in to the Visitor's Center yesterday looking for me and gave Sister Wood her contact info to give to me.  I'm honestly overjoyed. It's the seemingly small things that really make everything worth it.

I also neglected to tell you about an incident the week before when I was in the Sarah Granger Kimball house, which is way out of the way compared to the rest of historic Nauvoo, relatively speaking.  A lady came in, hadn't visited any of the sites (which is rare), and was just camping around. Turns out she's been having dreams for months now about large bodies of water, and kind of made a spur of the moment trip along the Mississippi because she feels drawn to it.  Well, let me tell you.  Everybody comes to Nauvoo for a reason.  It just simply cannot be an coincidence.

So I asked her if she believed in God. She does believe in a greater energy.  It's actually a very spiritual experience to hear people describe their beliefs, because they feel the truth.  They describe principles of truth, just in their own way, and it's like they're bearing their testimony of what they believe (or hope is true) and are looking for more. I told her about spiritual dreams I asked if she prayed.  It was so incredible to hear her say that she prayed all the time, that it's just always in her heart. Thinking about it makes me want to cry. I told her she should pray about her dream, ask to know what it's about.  She thought that was a super good idea--the spirit was really strong. The funny thing about it too is that I usually recognize better afterwards how strong the spirit was, rather than during.  I'm so in the zone and focused in on the person and later I realize how spirit directed everything really has been. 

Everything else has been a little slow.  But some exciting news for me! My pioneer dress was way big on me and just not cute, so Sister Zibetti and I went to the sewing room and I got a new one!  Oh the small joys. We're wearing our pioneer dresses like almost everyday now and honestly, I've never been so grateful to change into a normal skirt in my life. It feels so free. We won't be in our site dresses though that often during the peak season.

A fun thing to hear in the sewing room this week, "Oh, your pantaloons are so cute, I want those!" says my 23 year-old companion. Where am I?  What am I doing? Oh the high drama that is in the sewing room.  What I would pay to be able to make a reality tv show out of my mission experience.

Anyways, love you all.  

Love, 

Rachel