Spiritual Promptings: Make of them what you will

Hey Family!

You think with only a week and a half left here I'd calm down a little about missionary work or something. Not completely be feeling all torn up about it. But no.  Still stressin. One of the days that I was worrying about everything, I was having a pretty clear prompting during studies to read the Teachings of David O. McKay book that was on my desk. It was a pretty clear prompting. Like most promptings I get are not that clear. And not only that, but I knew I had to read a chapter about motherhood, of all things. I knew it. 

So then I did, and now I understand and appreciate motherhood on that much more of a spiritual level. This story doesn't sound like a big deal and I can't verbally communicate my newly found feelings, but just know that it is a big deal. The timing was right. And I think Heavenly Father was trying to tell me something about my missionary work and give me a specific kind of greater, eternal perspective. Man, missions are not what I thought they were. And I've grown in all the ways I never thought I would. 

Now, I want to tell you about Elder Smith. He is my district leader that just got transferred (away). I LOVE him!! He was the best! First of all, he has this girlfriend named Shelby who he's dead in love with (#eternalcompanions2016), so it was perfect because we could talk to he and his companion Elder Mathews (who I could write another essay on, I love him so) about anything and it wasn't weird because they were totally friend zoned in the best way possible. No weirdness or awkwardness at all. SO rare. 

He was sooo supportive and soo loving. He always built us up so much and we wanted to be better just because he totally believed in us and thought we were awesome. We knew all about his life, his love for Shelby, his friends, his family, his conversion. He knew all about our lives. It was the perfect sister-district leader relationship. We knew it couldn't last. But we're going to be friends forever. Especially as I'm planning on being married before he comes home so we can be couple friends together, because that's really the only way that would work out. 

I just can't believe how many people there are in the world to love. It never ceases to amaze me. 

Well, I love you all, too! 

Love Rachel

PS The funniest/worst thing happened this past week and a half. So S.Wilk and I are trying to find a referral but we only have the building number and not the apartment number. So I get this prompting to go to one of the numbers and this small, crazy haired man opens the door, then says, "Just a minute," and shuts the door. Sister Wilkins looks at me and says, "Way to follow the Spirit, Sister Ross." But then she has to eat her words because he lets us in (we had a member with us) and he totally has a lot of interest! 

Then we have another lesson with him and we start to get the creep vibe. So we give him to the elders. It's all good right? No. He gives me this special attention that makes me feel highly uncomfortable and it keeps happening. Yesterday at church was the worst. I don't want to go into detail because it makes me feel unwell. But yeah, get out of my bubble and no, you don't distract me, Dean!  

So he was hanging around after church trying to come "observe" our ward correlation meeting. And then the elders and went and talked to him. And had to give him the smack down. "No Dean, she doesn't like you." Ughhhhhh echhhhh chweaje;fljiawo4efij      

Sister Wilkins and I felt soooo awful yesterday. Just thoroughly creeped out and so paranoid that he'd be around any corner. We still can't get it off our minds completely. It's just so weird. He's like 50. askfd;aijef'aowejf as;faw;eiojf

So then "Way to follow the Spirit, Sister Ross," became double-y ironic. In this respect, it's a dang good thing I'm leaving soon. 

I needed to PS this because when I think about it I can't feel the Spirit very much so I didn't want it to ruin the vibe of my letter. 

"Listen to your creep-dar. . . CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS RIGHT!"--Sister Wilkins, who has been a great support through this whole thing 

Does this email even make sense?

Hey Fam! 

Just went to the temple, which was great! So I'm running out of time. 

True story, this week I learned what diligence means. The true meaning of diligence, that is. So I read this great article full of mini articles about home teaching and every single story inspired me in a different way, and now I know what diligence is. Here's the article: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/01/home-teachers-who-made-a-difference?lang=eng&query=home+teaching 

I realized that diligence and hard work are not the same thing. Hard work is often a result of diligence, but it's a correlation does not equal causation situation. I've always felt bad when thinking about diligence because I work so hard because I could always work harder. But diligence isn't just killing yourself. It's caring about something enough to be persistent about it. (For example, often times I would work very hard in school, but I was not always diligent about it.) And this article, without me even being conscious of it, taught me what true diligence is. And now it's a value I can actually pursue and not feel bad about.  Wooo! Moral of the story (aside from seeking diligence): Heavenly Father always wants the best for us and what will make us happy, and when we realize what it is He truly wants, we totally want it too! Does that make sense? I'm trying to cram a monumental discovery in a fast time period. 

There was something else I discovered about life but I can't remember. . .gah it's killing me. 

This week we found a lot of people. .. again. But no one super solid. . .again. Here's a total non-coincidence: We're walking out of a less active's home and run directly into these guys who are selling Dish for a few months, going door to door, so we could relate. And their bosses are Mormon and centered in Provo, and everyone they work with is Mormon, and the one kid is just. . .has so much potential. We haven't been able to see them again, but it's my dying wish of Arkansas slash my whole life to baptize this kid. If he's ready. Because if he was, he would be, to me, the picture of hastening the work. So I've got two and half weeks to keep changing the world over here and it's possible. I believe in miracles.  Not going to lie, Sister Wilkins and I have made really good friends with the elders and it's going to be so sad to leave them. Although two of our top faves are getting transferred on Wednesday anyways.

I have super mixed feelings about going back to Nauvoo. In some ways I'm super excited but at the same time, I don't want to plateau. But I don't want new weird challenges that nearly kill me, as has been my missionary experience thus far. #thestruggle #thewillofGod

I love you all. I may need to clarify on my diligence epiphany next week. 

Love, Rachel 

#murricles

Hey fam,

This week was a skraight up blur. Like I was telling my journal yesterday, the last thing I remember was eating dinner at the Lewises on Sunday and then it was Sunday again. A miracle happened this week. We have been praying to find someone to baptize for the month and this week was the last week for that to happen because they have to attend church for two weeks. Well, our prospects weren't looking super good (minus Ebony and Ingrid who are still getting baptized and are awesome except they aren't in our area but we found the elect, which is what we prayed for, so oh well). But we found this less active named China through the craziest string of events who wasn't on the ward list even. Anyways, we invited China back to church and she actually came! And she brought her young nephews/brother, and her nonmember aunt. . . .who wants to get baptized! So we think that's going to be happen. Really, Heavenly Father takes care of things. And also, we really can't really do anything without Him. It's a comforting thought and yet scary at the same time, of course. 

I'm really big into scripture study these days. Like all the time. And I'm getting better at recording impressions/mini personal revelations. Really, you can figure so much out about your life and about who you are and what you want in a few days of good scripture study. (Scripture including ensigns and Preach my Gospel). I swear, I'm the biggest fan of it. I'm going to go home and go on a scripture study campaign. It's going to be #obnoxious. But it's really the foundation for everything. Everything.  

Ok, I love you all! 

Love, Rachel

Running the Skreets.

Hey Fam, 

This week was good. I feel like every week or month in the mission field I just re-learn the same lessons over and over. One week I discover how to follow God's will. Then I find myself not being happy and wonder what's going on and find myself caring too much about what others think and have to regain my eternal perspective and realign my will with God's and it just is a variation of the same pattern over and over. Pretty embarrassing. But you know, I'm sure I'm getting somewhere in my growth. I feel a million years older than when I left on my mission. 

This week we had a semi-brief interaction with one of my favorite people I've met. We contacted him (aka we said, "Hi! We're missionaries!" etc.), asked for his phone number and he said he didn't have a phone. "You don't have a phone?!" I said. "Well, I do, but it's not a Christian lady phone.  I use it for my work and I don't want to be answerin the phone, like 'where you at?' tryina sell somthin. . .I have seven kids and I gotta take care of them, ya know?" 

So yeah, he's a drug dealer. And he was probably no older than 25. Oh man, he was hilarious. He can't stay with one woman. Talking about women, he said, "Yall nag." Then I say, "Wait, 'Yall'? (pointing  to me and Sister Wilkins)"  "Yeah. All yall nag too much."  Such good times. What a personality.  We gave him our card with the church address and our number and I really want him to call us, obviously, because he really needs the help, obviously. But people never call us when we give them our number--it's real sad. So, pray for Fred. 

We have interactions like these (but this is the first drug dealer that I've been aware that I've talked to) a fair amount. Black people are too much fun. Really. I am going to be soo sad when I no longer have an excuse to just walk around the streets and strike up conversations with randoms, Book of Mormon in hand, "preaching the word," as they say.  "The Word" is an actual phrase for other religions, didjaknow?  

Sad day. In a stroke of miracle we found the elect, committed them to a date, and are probs going to have to hand them over to other missionaries because they are actually not in our ward boundaries. It was a mom and daughter--super super cool, so ready to change. Ugh. It's fine but I'm still sad. 

We are also teaching this black guy named Mario who is super awesome and changing already before our eyes and he better get baptized before I leave!! He just is afraid that he'll want to feel the spirit so bad that he'll make himself believe that he is, even if he's not. He's just, I think, skeptical of what "feeling the spirit" is really like, so we're trying to help him understand that. His heart is really open though, it seems. I am sure he will get baptized, it just needs to be when I'm there. I guess in the lesson he had with S.Wilkins and another Sister when I was away on exchanges he said something like, "I want to be like Sister Ross. She just seems so happy." That made me feel good. Preach my Gospel says something like, Be ready to tell anyone the source from which your happiness comes. It's the Gospel, yo! And it's true! 

Well, that was my week. Not really, but you got like 15 minutes of it. 

Love, Rachel

ps and don't worry about the drug dealer thing. I always feel really super safe. Really. Things are ghetto because they're dirty and run down. But not like, meth house ghetto. We avoid those places. And we definitely don't go anywhere sketch after dark. 

pps Instead of the word "ask," most black people here say "axe" or "ackts" like, "Why are you axin me that question?" and t's get replaced with k's a lot. 

Sorry every email I've ever sent from Arkansas is super lame.

Hey family!

I don't know but writing about me is like literally the last thing I ever want to do. It's almost just too hard to really think about or accurately describe my week or anything I do, so I almost just don't even want to try. But I'll try anyways. 

So this was one of those weeks where it transitions from everything going smooth and being happy to things starting to fall through and feeling that panic-discouragement feeling. That's kind of how it seems to be on a normal pros mission. Things are either blowin up or feeling really bleak. It seems like just yesterday we had so much potential and now we realize that none of it came through. 

But it's actually super ok because both Sister Wilkins and I had our separate get-it-together, life-view-paradigm-shift moments and we are totally fine.  We realized we were feeling a lot of numbers pressure, and just other types of pressure to appear to be the best missionaries. And it was just too much. I know, it seems so dumb. And I always thought I would never be that missionary. But I swear, you don't know what it's like until you're in it. I never thought I would have such missionary identity issue problems. But the weight of the mantle is super real. Super super real. That's really the thing about being a missionary that kills me. The weight I feel for the entire city of Little Rock! But really, Sister Wilkins and I had a good talk about it, and we are so happy. I feel like in the past little while, I've really been able to develop the spiritual skills to get myself out of more of my issues. Well, hopefully at least. And now my goal is simply to just love the people I'm with, and nothing else. Well, and the Lord. Loving the Lord is #1. 

So we have a bestie in the ward who is also an RM and all that jazz and she is so useful and goes out with us and we love her. And we're teaching her friend who's way more than a friend and it's complicated. So we had a date with them on Valentine's day lolz. And then we had a dinner and a lesson date with them not this past week but the week before. And we were sitting at a rectangular table, right? And S. Wilk and I are at the long ends of the table and our dear friends are sitting across from each other making flirty faces and googly eyes, and S Wilk and I make the big mistake of making eye contact with each other. Sister Wilkins and I have this problem where we get to a certain place and a mutual understanding, and cannot keep it together. So of course we make eye contact and are just dying. We can't stop laughing because the whole situation is just so hilarious. And they can't figure out for the life of them why we're laughing, and we couldn't really tell them if we tried. But you know, lots of funny situations come up when you're on a mission.

Things, like I mentioned before, are transitioning. So nothing super solid. But miracles are around the corner, ya?

Love you all!

Love, Rachel